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Show older posts Gil Scott-Heron "Me and the devil" Posted: Friday, January 29, 2010 by michelle in Labels: art, feeling feelings, Gil Scott-Heron, Kanye West, LA diaries, LYFE, sk8ing, SYTW offical endorsements, THE FUTURE, weed jail 1 I've been spending a lot of time on Kanye West's blog lately. Not surprising I know. File that under things that unemployed white people do from their beds every morning while drinking coffee and buying child labored skinny jeans from Forever21.com. Anyway, I like Kanye West and I don't care what you think about it. He (or his internet minions, MAN I wish I had someone to blog for me. Oh wait, I do, her name is Tatyana.) usually posts some pretty rad stuff like download links to new Young Money songs and videos of Kid Cudi being even more adorable if at all possible and photos of Amber in outfits my ass could only dream of looking decent in. Recently he posted this. And I was undecided about blogging about it because it's not funny, it's serious. And we here at SYTW don't like tackling real issues, we would prefer boner jokes. But then I remembered that a) no one reads this blog and b) even the ones who do never click on the YouTube links. Well childrens. Today, take the time to click on this. Because it's rad and will make you feel a lot of feelings. Also, can skaters always be shirtless and in skeleton paint or...no? No? Most of them are teenagers and I'm being a creep again? Ah whatever. Hand me my slippers cuz I need a "I just went to Target" nap before you put me in weed jail. [EMBED] :drugrug out: Links to this post let's all ride our skateboards on the flippity flop! Posted: by tatyana in Labels: scene kids, sk8ing 0 [EMBED] Listen, I know that this is the 90s, and every toddler with reasonable motor skills can operate iMovie better than I can to make epic YouTube videos deserving of all the Oscars, but this film was made in 1986! And was shot on Super 8! Whatever that is! Did you see those stunts?! And, I mean, the rat budget for this thing must've been well over 30 Reagan wooden nickels! In all seriousness though, I dare you to find me a radder video on the net, scene kids! Via this awesome aforementioned motorcycle-related blog. Links to this post friday 5: how i feel about french people & w33d Posted: by tatyana in Labels: friday 5, music, music videos 0 [EMBED] See, the thing is, I don't know how to feel about this. First of all, Beck is involved, and I like Beck's music (I think). I mean he has six or eight thousand albums, and I'm pretty sure that I like at least two of them. But he's also a creepy douchebag, read: Scientologist, so this gives me pause. On the other hand, there's Charlotte Gainsbourg. I like Charlotte Gainsbourg! She reminds me what Sofia Coppola could've been like if instead of making novelty juice box wine, she had tried to have a soul. But I don't think I like the idea of Charlotte Gainsbourg making music because chanteuses make me feel like a backwards bonnet-wearing Amish whore, if that's possible? Maybe that is why I like this song. I basically have a vague French 203 understanding of what's happening in this, but I like it when it gets all creepy, and you're like OHH this is not your mere's French pop song! [EMBED] I've been a total nana lately when it comes to new music. Like this band Beach House? This is apparently their 2nd album. Good job guys! Great staying power! I like this 2nd album! But, I'm probably not gonna check out the first! If your 3rd album comes out on a slow day when I'm sick of listening to "Houses of the Holy" on repeat, and it's easily downloadable, then I might listen to that too! We'll see! I am 97 years, old and I have arthritis. (Addendum: Apparently the newest album is Beach House's 3rd album. I'll be accepting my award for journalistic accuracy on behalf of Judith Miller .) [EMBED] Thanks to all the motorcycle blogs I read, I found out about this amazing lo-fi Zambian psych band. What the two things have to do with each other I don't know, BUT motorcycles are rad and so is this band, you guys. Get the whole album here. [EMBED] Oof. Can you imagine being Beyonce's little sister? I mean, I'm sure their parents love them both equally, but maybe Beyonce's Christmas presents are just like, slightly bigger than Solange's every year? And maybe Mama Knowles is always a little more inclined to be like, Beyonce let's go to the mall and have a girls' night out! (This is what happens every night in my dreams, but I am not Beyonce's mom, I am her super bestie and I'm vetting Jay-Z to make sure he's right for my girl. Dream big, kids.) In any case, Solange is actually really talented, and I'm glad that this song is sort of about coming into her own as an artist. This song reminds me a little bit of the great Kinks' album "Lola vs. Powerman," where the music is so good, but all the lyrics are about how evil the recording and music publishing industries are, and I'm like shut up Ray Davies? It's not like I necessarily have a problem with him singing about his personal experience of corruption, it's more like I just don't care. It's kind of like how I feel about Timothy Geitner's upcoming pop album, "Lonely Horse: AIG & Me." BUT, I hope that Timothy Geitner takes some note of this Solange song, because it is totally relatable. Mostly because at some point in our lives we've all felt like Beyonce's little sister. [EMBED] I don't know. It's like I got shot in the face by a weed rifle this week. "I AM SO EXCITED THAT ANIMAL COLLECTIVE IS SAMPLING GRATEFUL DEAD SONGS!" These are actual words that I said out loud. I'm sorry, are those... steel drums? "Naw, it's cool dude. Have fun at that indie rock show. I'ma stay here and finish braiding this hemp into my dreds... What's that? Animal Collective is playing Grateful Dead songs? Sweet lemme spark up this d00bie* and then I'll probably roll up right before the last song and fall asleep standing up." *That is still what the kids are calling it, right? Links to this post Important news! Subscribe to SYTW Posted: Thursday, January 28, 2010 by tatyana in Labels: update 2 [IMG] Thanks to a tip from a friend (I know, we have those! Crazy right?) a glitch in our RSS feed (whatever that is) has been fixed, so now you can subscribe for immediate updates to SYTW via your Google Readers or your Feedburners or your Angelfire Websites or your portable walkmans or whatever. Click this electronic boner to add us to your feeds 8======D or click that little orange icon thing in the right corner. You're welcome! Links to this post Obama's all LOL smiley face Posted: by tatyana in Labels: obama, SYTW offical endorsements, voting is cool 4 Whoa guys, what a slamming party at the Capitol last night! [IMG][IMG] Images courtesy of LastNightsParty.com Seriously, Barack, I think you kinda nailed it, buddy. So I'm not actually a Political Scientist (it's funny cause it's an actual thing), but I am completing studies towards my weed masters in Mr. Cool Presidents, and I'm gonna have to write a whole new chapter in my dissertation on Barack Obama. Did you catch all those LOLzzz he was making?! I can't say much about the policies he chose to address, except that yeah health care and community colleges and alternative energy sources yay! Clean coal and nuclear enegery? That confused my feeble understanding of what it means to be a democrat. I remain confused and misinformed about Iraq and Afghanistan. You like that? I just made a list of words that I heard last night! Anyway, despite all my negligence in attempting to understand what is actually going on in the US that isn't funny cat videos and guitar solos (this is what makes the US great, ya doi), I got a little misty eyed at certain points during that speech. The State of the Union, as of late, is mostly about trying to galvanize people, and I think this speech did just that. My favorite part was when he called out those bonehead Supreme Court justices and everyone around them stood up and applauded and they sat there and took it. That's what I call accountability y'all, and according to my recent middle school-level refresher course in Civics, that is what the government is about! Links to this post my name is tatyana, and i will be your first wife Posted: Wednesday, January 27, 2010 by tatyana in Labels: hot tub, tatyana auditions for the bachelor, TV lyfe 4 Oh yeah, so I'm auditioning for The Bachelor. [IMG] I mean, you all knew this was gonna happen right? It makes all the sense, much like the show The Bachelor does. Let's put together 20 semi-pathetic young women who are desperate for the self-validation of marriage and make them try to win the heart of a hunky but emotionally stunted dude. THEN force a very traditional, outmoded idea of monogamy to conform to the parameters of a reality TV show, wherein, you go on at most 3 dates, fall in love to the point where you wanna get married, then spend the next 3 months on the cover of People magazine until your sham relationship inevitably falls apart. It's just like how all of our moms and dads met! I mean, if anything, it's gonna be great for my self-esteem. [IMG] REALITY! The thing is though, how hilarious would it be if I was on The Bachelor?! Answer: It would be the most hilarious. I am the most socially awkward person in America, but unfortunately there isn't a reality TV show for that (YET!). In any case, I need your help. A preliminary bio has reaffirmed my unmarriageable Cathy comic status. I'm not a Romance Scientist (YET!), but I have a feeling this is just not gonna cut it: "My name is Tatyana. I'm 25, and I live in Brooklyn, New York. My favorite things are making fun of hippies, obscure 19th and 20th century literature by women, guitar solos and talking about race." [IMG] I am not sure yet whether this is a dream or a nightmare. What I need is a schtick, you see. Something to make me stand out from the faceless crowds of fawning women from suburban Maryland. Take for instance the nightmare that is Vienna. First of all, her name is Vienna, and just judging from the looks of her, I'm gonna guess that her namesake is probably the Billy Joel song, and not the city in Austria. She is the "wild" one who all the girls hate! That's pretty awesome! [IMG] You can't succeed on The Bachelor without Crazy Eyes. So far I've come up with the following characters to chose from: The Emotionally Unavailable Girl, The Smart Girl, The Hippie, The Diabetic Girl... But, I am, as always open to suggestions. It takes a village to raise a reality TV star. Please stay tuned as I continue to embarrass myself on the internet (and, fingers crossed, national television!) for your pleasure! Links to this post Remember pizza commercials? Posted: Monday, January 25, 2010 by michelle in Labels: dies alone, disaster porn, facebook, jokes about drunks, LA diaries, noid, pizza, ramon, sad, SYTW offical endorsements, THE FUTURE 3 I know what yr thinking. Damn, I wish Michelle and guest-blogger/SYTW #1 fan Ramon would please tell me what the new Domino's pizza tastes like so I can decide if I wanna order it tomorrow for my "Alone forever D&D party on a Saturday night." Well, 5 people who read this blog, yr prayers have been answered. After a long afternoon of football and beer and seeing the Domino's #newpizza commercials 25-30 times, Ramon and I were drunk/bored/hungry enough to decide it's time to take THE PIZZA CHALLENGE. Otherwise known as "jesus christ, couples are fucking boring on Saturday nights ugh." Honestly, if you didn't already know this, I'm a huge Papa Johns fan. Online ordering, jalapenos, GARLIC SAUCE?!!!!??? Ugh, god's best hangover cure in a box since Clueless on DVD (zing). Loooove it. BUT there are no Papa Johns close to my house in California now for me to order from. And subsequently answer the door in stretch pants and a drug rug with half a bottle of vodka in my hair sooooo, is Domino's (of the pasta in a bread bowl fame!!!!!) gonna be my new papa? [EMBED] If yr free, which you are, I suggest taking a gander at their website/twitter page/youtube/Facebook cuz holy shit someone just hired a new dude in marketing and he is alllllll about viral videos. I'm not gonna lie, the videos are endearing. Watching the employees of Domino's take the criticisms to heart is a little sad. WHY ARE WE SO MEAN TO THEM ABOUT PIZZA? THEY JUST WANNA MAKE US HAPPY!!!!!!! I thought Ramon was gonna cry at one point, dude totes just bought into the brand. I saw him checking out franchise options on the web when I went to get a drink. [IMG] Oh we decided to get some alcohol too. So we could you know, be open and honest about our feelings and get real with ya'll. Also, we started a fire. But that was mostly to creep out the delivery guy when we asked him to come in and take pictures with us. [IMG] it's about time the internets knew what we looked like Ramon. two old white people. Michelle: I haven't had Domino's in a very very long time. Probably because I never liked it. And when living in New York the only chain pizza I braved was Papi related. What I remember of Domino's was very little cheese, shitty crust, and my parents being out of town and my older sister ordering it for us. Ramon: I haven't had Domino's in a while either but my vague memories of it are similar to Michelle's. One thing I do remember quite well are the old commercials from the 80's with The Noid. Dude loved to fuck up pizzas, but Domino's was just too unfadeable (according to their own commercials) He'd always end up getting all hurt Wile E. Coyote style and everyone would laugh then play Simon and get slimed. Finally he decided it would be easier to just disguise his identity and land the job of CEO for Domino's and ruin the pizzas from the inside- OOOOOOHHHHH CORPORATE BURN!!! [IMG] Michelle: So we ordered online and OMG their website is interactive. Like you chose yr pizza and the toppings and it shows it and who on EARTH gets shredded cheddar cheese on their pizza?? GROSS. Oh "Cecilia" is preparing our pizza now? Is there a webcam? - Ramon's tombstone. And ahhhhh the commercial came on while we were ordering it!!!!!! PIZZA GHOST!!!! [IMG] Google imaging "pizza ghost" was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Ramon: If I may stray off topic for a moment; Predator 1 AAAND 2 are on TV at the same time on different channels and Michelle has never seen either of them- weird right? I never thought I'd ever have to explain to someone that there's this Rasta lizard race that lives to cruise the galaxy and hunt current and ex-Governors for sport- I thought that was common knowledge? Back to the pizza: Michelle's apartment is haunted btw. While we were in the middle of ordering online the new Domino's commercial came on TV and just now she's all "wheres our pizza?!?!?" and the doorbell rang and it was the delivery guy! He looked like JonBenet Ramsey and turned into a pile of maggots when we didn't tip him. [IMG] Aside from Google imaging "sexy predator" of course. ~~~***First impressions***~~~~~~ Ramon: The crust tastes like garlic bread and no longer has the consistency of your grandmother's mummified pillow she's had for 45 years but won't get rid of. Overall the flavor is reminiscent of Papa John's which is a step up??? Michelle: Totes. Garlic bread attached to my pizza? Yes please! Also, it was good. It wasn't delicious New York pizza but I would order it again. Also very cheap and very fast. Thatswhatshesaid! Sometimes you crave chain pizza, and this shit is good. In addition, psychic pizza. If you want yr pizza to know yr future, order from dominos. The pepperoni totes told me when I was gonna die. Ramon: There is cheese on this shit! And lots of it! Remember when they used to put like 3 shredded pieces of Mozzarella and 17 packets of ketchup on some dough? Nuh uh! No more. Remember that bottle of Jack Daniels you split with Michelle? Yes I do, me. ... Ramon and I proceed to get wasted and watch TV and make googley eyes at my sister when she came home with her DAAAAAATEEEEE. Hey guys, whats up. Oh nothing, just taking a pizza challenge to blog about this week. #diesalone [IMG] I forgot we were supposed to be "reviewing" the pizza and went to town on this shit. Next day. Michelle: Now I love me some morning pizza. I don't mess with that cold shit either, I like my breakfast pizza hot. This shit reheated lovely, and the cheese wasn't even weird or gross. Also the slices are super small so you don't feel like the biggest tina on the planet eating 4 in a row. Kudos Domino's kudos. Ramon: You should probably explain `tina' to everyone Michelle. Anywaaaay; Yeah, it reheated quite nicely, even in the microwave. So would I order Domino's again? I suppose I would. unfortunately I won't due to the fact that I live near 2 amazing pizza places that are vastly superior (shout out to Luigi's and Lefty's!!!!) I'll tell you this though; If Costco gets wise and decides to deliver- that's a wrap for everyone! Holy shit! what's in that Kirkland brand cheese?!?!?! Lots of love, love in bulk. [IMG] :pizza ghost out: Links to this post au revoir jersey shore Posted: Sunday, January 24, 2010 by tatyana in Labels: dignity, disaster porn, jersey shore, TV lyfe 3 [IMG] I am available for freelance graphic design work. Death is a part of life, my friends. Just as surely as there are new beginnings, there are endings which will quickly follow. In the great span of time, each of our individual lives is but a blip on the radar of world history. All we can hope is that, like Jersey Shore, our impotent lives have made positive, indelible impressions on the people that we love. Well, we can hope for that and we can Jersey Shore ourselves. [IMG] Shore Tatyana. I look great. PHEW! Ronnie's outta jail, you guys! The night in prison clearly humbled him and made him reflect quite a bit on life. Such as when he says, "I don't regret hitting the guy, I just regret getting caught, cause he had it coming." Apparently this is all par for the course summers on the shore, because "trouble's just gonna find you" there. Because Seaside, New Jersey in August is basically Gaza, even the crazy Israeli girl says so, and I trust everything she says. [IMG] Danielle: You guys are acting like Israelis. Vinny: No, Israelis would be like this... [air machine gun fire] -A great exchange of cultural ideas I know that if I had just spent a harrowing night in a New Jersey drunk tank (BEEN THERE!) I would be really happy to come home to my girlfriend, Sammi, also known as the world's best girlfriend. [IMG] So Mike is trying to get some dates for his boys since it's their last weekend on the Shore, but he's can't get anyone to pick up the phone because I wonder why? So, the guys decide that they don't need outsiders, they're just gonna have a boys' night out, as if they had a choice in the first place. Also Snooki doesn't have a date and she wants one really bad so she is freaking out. I want Snooki to have whatever she wants, obviously, but did I miss something here? When did everyone start wanting to have a date? And what is a date anyway? I thought we were all on the same page here, and that page is SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS/back flips at the club/ embarrassing hot tub time/ sleep. HEY! It's JUICE HEAD CENTRAL for Labor Day weekend! And JWOWW is not gonna let any gorillas escape the vice-like death grip of her large fake boobies! So she goes to wake up Snooki (cause it is probably 3 in the afternoon) and the girls head to the beach! But not before Mike is all "thin is in" while he's hanging out on a lawn chair outside the novelty t-shirt store? He's like a card table and a set of dominoes away from being a pop pop. [IMG] "I told you kids to get off my boardwalk!" So everyone decides to go to the beach because they live on the beach, but never go and now they are all going back to their respective beachless Guido enclaves, so they might as well take advantage of it this one last time. But by the time they get there all the gorillas have retreated to the mists! Bummersauce! So everyone decides to just hang out and get some sun while Mike hits on Miley Cyrus fans (as in the pre-teen girl kind, not the full-grown adult Tatyana kind). [IMG] So Snooki's still Snookin' for Love (TM) and she goes back to the house early to see if Cowboy Keith is gonna ride his handsome white steed down from his Newark estate or whatever and take the poor thing on a date. Of course he doesn't. Fuck you, Cowboy Keith. THEN! To make things worse, Snooki's just trying to start her own boardwalk dance party because she's queen of the world, and her ex-boyfriend hollers at her from a balcony type thing? I really can't think of anything worse than getting hollered at by your ex-boyfriend, who you are still in love with, in a strange Jersey Shore version of Mardi Gras. I mean, you don't even get any beads for your tears, which everyone knows is a fairly equitable exchange for humiliation, exploitation and sadness. [IMG] Show me your :( So then Mike comforts sobbing Snooki, and we're reminded that Mike can be an actual human being on occasion. But then this happens and we're reminded that Mike is actually a terrible bonehead. Happy and sad, quick succession. [IMG] But also, this had to happen because this is how it all began, and Circle of Life, etc etc etc. Mike decides not to hook up with Snooki though, cause she's like his little sister, and this would all be okay if he didn't strip her naked and lick her face in the hot tub. So metaphor fail, Mike. Creepy, incestuous metaphor fail. Ronnie and Sammi go out to dinner and toast to being together after the Shore House. Oh good! They are going to be together forever, I'm sure! [IMG] Thanks for the memories. And by memories I mean the nightmares burned onto my brain. The rest of this episode is basically the housemates reminiscing about the wonderful times they had together in the Shore House. Haha remember when that grenade launcher hit Snooki?! Remember when JWOWW thwacked Mike across the face in the AC?! Wow, that was crazy you guys! But, if I can just put things in perspective a little bit here, because putting things in perspective is one of the tenets of the Jersey Shore lifestyle-- Gym. Tanning. Laundry. Putting things in perspective so that disproportionate, and often violent reactions don't occur-- all of this stuff happened within in A SINGLE MONTH, okay? Like, if I was to reminiscence with some friends about our collective experience of the past month, it would be like, remember that time that we watched Cougar Town for like 3 hours for no actual reason other than we were too lazy to watch something else? Remember that time that the guy at the bodega sold us beer after 4am on Sunday even though he wasn't supposed to, and he mildly chided us for it? Remember how we ate soup for lunch for like a week straight? Boy, life is crazy sometimes. And so we leave our Jersey Shore friends, except for the hour-long cast reunion which happens afterwards. I have little to say about this, except the entire thing is fake, and the host could really stand to not yell all the time. I know MTV put you through reality TV school, but maybe you should take a refresher course in How to Host a Show Without Yelling in a Monotone Voice for No Reason, Jelissa. We find out that Mike has hooked up with Angelina, but apparently we're supposed to know this already? I recently scored a perfect 10 (that is what she said) on my Jersey Shore trivia quiz, and yet I'm surprised by this? HEY guess what else?! Sammi and Ronnie break up in the reunion show too! Guess what though. Jersey Shore is officically over, and so I don't have to pretend I care anymore on the internet, because the internet is really sensitive about these things. I cannot help but think of the Myth of Sisyphus in times like these. We are all sentenced to push that rock up that hill, only to have it roll back down again. If our Jersey Shore friends are existentialists (I am 100% sure that our Jersey Shore friends are existentialists), then they, like Camus, know that the true reward is in the journey-- that we must take joy in the sweet, juiced out biceps we have from pushing that rock up a hill all the time. RIP Jersey Shore, 2009-2010. It's been a great month you guys. Let's all get some sunlight now. [EMBED] So many lessons learned. Links to this post friday 5: karaoke klassiks Posted: Friday, January 22, 2010 by tatyana in Labels: friday 5, karaoke, music, music videos 1 Apropos of a recent blog by Carrie Brownstein (whoa, I almost called it an "article," haha remember "articles" in "newspapers"? haha JK that's a myth just like Jimmy Kimmel having a career in entertainment), all week I've been trying to decide what songs to sing at my friends' karaoke birthday party this weekend! It took me many karaoke missteps before I was able to compile a list of sweet jams that both complimented my angelic (and by angelic I mean like a tone deaf angel who just drank a bottle of emphysema) voice and would stand out as unique karaoke snowflakes, cause in my group of friends there are actual Jersey Store-style fistfights for the rights to sing Lisa Loeb's "Stay." My first karaoke experience was at a Japanese restaurant in the suburbs of Columbus, and it happened right between a failed attempt at going to a strip club and a night cap at Columbus's biggest goth bar, all of which were located in a strip mall (god bless the Midwest) cause contrary to popular belief, I roll so deep. In Ohio, we do karaoke raw, which means, no private rooms-- just a stage, a microphone, and a room the size of a banquet hall full of pre date rapey frat dudes. My friend Winner killed it all with "Rock You Like a Hurricane," then I made my debut with... "Give Him a Great Big Kiss" by the Shangri-Las? Great idea, Tatyana. This what the faces of the people in audience looked like: [IMG] This plus boredom and confusion and a lil bit o' misogyny. Since then I have learned many important lessons about singing karaoke. For instance, no matter how much I wish it wasn't, Billy Joel's "The Stranger" is my karaoke soul mate. You know, you can't chose who you love, and karaoke me loves this middle-of-the-road dad jam. DEAL WITH IT! Most importantly though, I have learned that karaoke is like communism, because you have to make small sacrifices for the greater good of mankind (this is exactly how communism works). I wish there was such a thing as wicked guitar lick karaoke. Like, you could just grab the mic, punch in the numbers of Layla and be all "meedley meee meeeeee." Because to do regular karaoke to Layla, you'd stand there so long with nothing to do but air guitar that you'd start thinking about life, which I can only do when I'm playing air guitar. But since there isn't, here are a few new karaoke jams that I will be trying out on your ears this weekend. [EMBED] Classic. If the Gin Blossoms were an inanimate object, they would be the bow that I put on the present to the world that was 90s alt-rock. [EMBED] This song is a little bit about Warren Beatty. Warren Beatty's all like, "Hey Carly thanks for the song." And Carly's like "It's a composite, Warren, you're so vain to think that it's all about you." This song is definitely not about James Taylor, but really we could see it being about James Taylor, right? For some reason Howard Stern knows who this song is about, and it's not about anyone famous? Oh that's right, it's because it's about everyone in the world's ex-boyfriend. [EMBED] In the 90s it was okay to use phrases like "brotherhood of man" earnestly and wear Cat in the Hat hats over your white people dreads. GOD BLESS. [EMBED] It's important when choosing karaoke songs to do at least one anthem. MOTORINGGGGG!!!! [EMBED] My friend Jenn singled this out as a great karaoke jam. And for that I owe her my life and all my pastel-colored, flared jumpsuits. JKJKJK I'm not doing any of these songs, I'm just gonna sing Miley Cyrus's "Party in the USA" over and over until someone pries the microphone out of my cold, dead hands. RIP and HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA AND CHANTAL AND KATHLEEN! Links to this post Remember music videos? Posted: Thursday, January 21, 2010 by michelle in 0 Ludacris - How Low (Borderline NSFW video. Unless of course yr boss doesn't mind you looking at girls in pajamas booty dancing? Lord knows the boss of unemployment is a HUGE proponent of me booty dancing in pajamas.) [EMBED] Whoa right!? What a scary/rapey slumber party that turned into! When I was younger, the thing that petrified me the most about being in the dark was mirrors. That whole Bloody Mary thing still freaks me out. So if I was just innocently dropping it in front of my mirror one night and mirror, mirror on the wall Ludacris appeared, I would not be stoked. I would be freaked out. Just like the girls in this video. Kudos for appropriate female response accuracy video director! [IMG] "Ladies I'm gonna need you to be less Girls Gone Wild, and more Candyman. More running, running for your lives from Ludaghost." Is Ludaghost like a vampire? Can he come in once you've summoned him by dropping it? I'm taking notes here. I do not want this happening to me. What is with the tiny Ludacris face/off guy that comes out at first!?!? Is that the dude from Little Man? Is that a Wayans brother? Is he there to lull you into submission with dance moves before the real Ludacris comes out accompanied by devil dancers and two grown ass men in hockey masks and tries to kill you? Where is this going? This is scary! [IMG] Next they're gonna break dance down yr stairs while Ludacris compares women to varieties of chocolate, except the Asian ones cuz you know theres no Asian chocolate a-doy. God I just love being compared to blended iced coffee flavors, swoon Luda'. Then tiny Luda' corners the slumber party girls into a library of some sorts and starts dancing their pajamas off? What the fuck this is getting weird and SVU. THANK GOD that underneath they're wearing club outfits from Forever 21 amright? [IMG] "Oh we were scared you were trying to rip our clothes off for terrible reasons before but now we just wanna DANCE! Thank you midget Ludacris. Where on earth would I be without this sequined triangle top from Rainbow that I wear to bed every night underneath my pjs?" They proceed to invite all their friends over to this house to play cee-low. Cuz if Ludaghost loves anything, its winning money in the homes he mirror invades while the home owners zombie-booty dance around him in shiny pants. And this is where the video gets borderline NSFW. Some ladies in a locker room decide its time to drop it and summon Ludaghost else where. Cuz if I like to do anything in locker rooms (I don't, locker rooms are disgusting) its get fucking weird with my friends and a video camera. I hope they prepared their rape whistles cuz this shit is about to get mega invasive. :Ludaghost out: Links to this post National Lampoon's Locked Up Abroad European Vacation Posted: Wednesday, January 20, 2010 by tatyana in Labels: disaster porn, TV lyfe, weed jail 2 I've been thinking a lot about the social, environmental, and economic impact of American tourism on foreign and often "developing"* countries. I know, who isn't these days?! It's like every other post on my Twitter feed is all "OMG what is my place as a white american in a post-colonial country? c u @ senor frogzz 4 happy hr!!" So why didn't someone tell me about Locked Up Abroad sooner?! I mean, this show features all of my favorite things: adventure, foreign travel, hilarious dramatizations, cocaine/heroin and women's prisons. Seriously guys, the internet called me on the phone and was all, "Whoops: white people." [IMG] Blah blah blah joke about suspicious packages OK, so disclaimer. Not all the episodes are delightful reenactments of Brokedown Palace, that you get to enjoy without Claire Danes' horrifying cryface (WHY IS IT LIKE WATCHING AN ALBINO UGLI FRUIT GIVE BIRTH TO A LATE STAGE STD?!). There is an episode where an adorable couple goes to volunteer at a Chechen orphanage only to be kidnapped and imprisoned by rebels. I carefully investigated that one, and, much to my dismay, there just weren't a lot of LOLzzz there. I can only imagine that being imprisoned in a foreign country without aid, being unfamiliar with the legal process and unable to speak the language, is a terrifying experience. I probably wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy. But when I read about Royal Caribbean cruisers taking a dip on the disaster ridden shores of a Haitian beach resort, I kinda wanna throw the world in weed jail (the jail where the bars are made of joints--you know, the best jail) until maybe we all learn a little bit about responsible tourism. Which we will cause we'll all be wicked stoned from smoking ourselves out of weed jail? You get what I'm saying, you're high.** Anyway, that said. Ha ha ha you got thrown in a foreign prison for drug smuggling. [IMG] How did THAT get there?! There are a precious few things that I wouldn't do for an all-expense paid trip to Peru. Let's see... There's murder, anything involving Carrot Top's genitalia, and... hmmm... SMUGGLING DRUGS INTO THE UNITED STATES?! However, if my taste for adventure was to get the better of me, this show serves as a great educational tool for the burgeoning drug mule. Here are some things I learned from Locked Up Abroad: 1. It's always your buddy's buddy, the attractive and charming foreign guy, that wants you to smuggle drugs. He is not checking out your thighs because they are sexy, he is gauging how much pure, uncut black tar heroin he can strap to them in a darkened hotel room while screaming profanities at you in another language. 2. For every 1 kilo of drugs you've agreed to smuggle back, add at least 7 kilos. 3. You may think that your job as a drug smuggler begins when once you've got the drugs on your person, and until then it's all margaritas getting made in your mouth and bikinis and surfing. No, my friend. You will likely be locked in a hotel room without your passport, being threatened with a loaded gun. You know, typical vacation stuff. 4. The Metric system. In all realness, the common thread among these stories, including the one about the Chechen rebels, is that these people, regardless of their intentions, had absolutely no idea what they were getting themselves into. After an 8 day road trip through Europe, the British couple arrives in Grozny and only then realizes the extent of the damage caused by Russian attacks. "It was a war zone," the husband says. UH YA DOI. It's the 90s guys! We don't have to rely on our imaginations to translate the news from Dapper Dan's Radio Story Hour AM 880 that we listen to on our victrolas! Just do some light googling or god forbid open a newspaper! For instance, this: [IMG] UM WHAT?! I'm not saying that to travel abroad you need to know the history of every US-backed coup to happen there, but maybe realizing that Lima, Peru is not the Cancun of the Andes might be knowledge that you can use in your favor. The great thing about foreign weed jail, it seems, especially in the case of the women who end up there, is that you have a lot of time to learn about the culture, religion and language of the people that you and your sexy foreign friend are exploiting for the benefit 18 year old Parsons students in jeggings. In fact, one of the girls who gets locked up in Peru becomes fluent in Spanish and upon her release, returns to the States to get a degree in foreign policy. As Americans (or Europeans) we often travel with a false sense of security and removal from the poverty and violence that people in war-torn or "developing" nations experience on a daily basis. And HEY GUESS WHAT, a lot of those people are experiencing those things, whether directly or indirectly, as a result of the foreign drug trade. OHHH WOOF. Sorry for all the moralizing guys. Man I need a drink. I hope I can smoke myself outta weed jail before happy hour @ Senor Frogzzzz!!!! [EMBED] *Ugh this word **I have never "dropped weed" so I have no idea what it's like. Links to this post twilight graphic novel: ha ha ha ha :( Posted: by tatyana in Labels: art, movies, pedophiles, twilight, TWOMG 0 [IMG] Please don't tell Chris Hansen that I googled this site. HEY!, you are thinking. I am a full grown adult, of a reasonably sound mental capacity, who reads Seriously You're the Worst on the reg. Why has it been so long since you guys have written about Twilight?! Wow great question, full grown adult. I'd like to commend you for holding us to high journalistic standards while keeping us inspired to be on the cutting edge. The answer to this difficult question is, of course, manifold, or perhaps ambiguous. The New Moon movie was, at best, a test of my waning patience for a convoluted narrative designed to manipulate the already distorted preconceptions of love/heterosexuality/monogamy formed by teenage girls, and the general frustration I feel when irony and enjoyment coincide. Usually I can relegate these Twilight qualms to the back of my mind cause HUH WHAT SHIRTLESS DUDES + ROMANCE + CLIFF DIVING. But since the New Moon movie was basically 2 1/2 hour of Kristen Stewart's open-mouthed pouty face, I had an unbearable amount of time for self-reflection. And let me tell you, a grown ass woman reflecting on her life choices at the 12:00 matinee of New Moon is basically Bridget Jones' Diary, if Bridget Jones was a character whose inner emotional life had the violence and tumult of Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket. But really, I don't think I'm the only one losing interest in Twilight. The series of books and movies requires little reflection, and is clearly designed to be indiscriminately consumed. So, like all things that are consumed, once you're done with them, you move onto the next thing. --Both Karl and Richard Marx. [IMG] I am 100% sure that I am the first person to make this joke. The answer, of course is to generate more enthusiasm! And the answer within the answer is a series of Twilight graphic novels, YADOI. This is obviously not only the Greatest Thing Ever, but Exactly What the World Needs Right Now. And obviously it is done in the style of manga or anime or whatever it is (I don't know because I am actually not that kind of nerd). [IMG][IMG] Great job everybody! I'd like to cash in on some of this Twilight stuff myself, you know to supplement all the gold krugerrands I get for blogging. So I'm doing my own version of a Twilight graphic novel, but I'm doing it based on the epic fanfic novelization I am writing where not only is Edward a vampire, but Bella is a Na'avi princess and Jacob is a top cryptologist who is endeavoring to find valuable artifacts hidden by America's founding fathers. [IMG] JK JK JK, I didn't make this nor did I write any Na'avi/Twilight/National Treasure fan fiction. The internet did! You know why? Because despite all its underground bands and pornography, the internet is actually that kind of nerd. See also: funny cat videos. Links to this post I have dreams about House Hunters Posted: Monday, January 18, 2010 by michelle in 0 [IMG] Hey hey hey, Happy Martin Luther King Jr. day friends who have work off and friends who don't have a job like me! YAY. So it's raining in Southern California, people go ape shit when this happens. Like seriously, yr lives are already so fucking perfect that you can actually forget what it's like when it rains? It happens SoCal, deal with it. Yr Prius has wind shield wipers, and you finally get to wear those Christian Louboutin rain boots you got last summer, its gonna be OK. So when it rains here it reminds me of Florida, that state where it rains everyday, aka my home and heart, aka the state that people are weirdly comfortable telling me is a shit hole even AFTER I tell them I'm from there. I get nostalgic and stoooooked because I finally don't feel like an asshole sitting inside all day watching TV. HOUSE HUNTERS MARATHON TODAY! LYFE!!! [IMG] hurricanes are scary - my cat's tombstone So yesterday, it was only kind of raining but I was still inside all day watching football, and eating food, and drinking beer. I'm not exactly a football fan per se, but I really enjoy any excuse to sit around getting drunk and staring at my boyfriend, the cable box. So there are a few things going on on TV during football games that I'd like to address. I know that none of you have the TV on football on a Sunday so I'm gonna try to be as descriptive as possible. So you can feel me. And know what my days are like when yr out getting brunch or going to art museums or attending garden parties on someone's south Brooklyn rooftop wearing wayfarers ok? Ok. Let's be drunk on this together. #ibustyrballscuzimjealousok [IMG] First of all, these Domino's commercials (!!!!!!) where they hear people's feelings about the cardboard crust and get all offended and sad seriously make me weep. WHYYYYY? Stop projecting yr insecurities on me Domino's pizza! With yr viral videos and new young marketing team 2K10! Twitter me bro! There's this other commercial, that I cant find online cuz I'm a lazy nana, from Southwest Airlines about not charging for luggage. The baggage handlers are talking about how bags are their LIFE. Their fucking life people. They're getting teary eyed about fucking luggage. Why does this most likely fake commercial make me wanna just mail them fan fiction luggage erotica?! I can haz bag check on aisle Michelle plz? Seriously you grown ass men quit it! I'm already watching football and I can't even handle it when they show the losing team looking sad. Awww you just want a touchdown. SADFACESSSS. Wtf is wrong with me???? #weirdfeelings. [IMG] you can't handle my baggage sir #feminism On to the next one ya'll. So there's this quarterback, who plays for the New York Jets, who's younger than us by the way (slit, slit) who is a serious fucking babe. Like I know, quarterbacks are babes but WHOA this is wrong here. My creepy jokes get nuclear when he comes on the screen. He can come on my screen any day, nahimsayin? Heres a pic. Or two. There are literally millions online of him looking shirtless and homoerotic and frankly making me feel feelings pretty early in the morning. Morning boners. His name is Mark Sanchez. He is from Southern California, and is third generation Mexican-American. #sexicans. [IMG] [IMG] I want to be his jock strap -- Tatyana Kagamas Anyway, So the Jets played the Chargers in San Diego yesterday. The Jets are from New York and the Chargers are San Diego's team. Are we following? Ok, so sometimes sports fans like to get dressed up to go to games. You know, like in silly costumes and stuff. Usually these psychos end up on TV for a second or two during one of the fucking 2 million commercial breaks they take during a football game. Its their heyday. Why the fuck else would a grown ass man paint his face and put on a light blue wig? #drunks. So during yesterdays game the camera lands on this Jets fan garbage pile who's basically wearing this: [IMG] si, se puede you guys! With a number 6 on the "sombrero" in "honor" of Mark Sanchez? Look, I'm not professor bigotry over here but how about the next time you decide to wear a racist Mexican costume in support of yr favorite(??? Or do you hate Mark Sanchez? Holy shit Jets fans can be so meta sometimes you guys) quarterback you NOT DO IT IN SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA WHICH IS ONLY LIKE 10 MILES FROM THE FUCKING BORDER IN FRONT OF A BILLION MEXICAN AMERICAN FOOTBALL FANS. I hope this dude got beat up in the parking lot and driven to the border. Slowpoke Rodriguez can't save you now, dude from New York who thought racist jokes were ironically funny in college but like totally voted for Obama this year and had a black friend once. #happyMLKday. Links to this post jersey shore: let he who is without crazy cast the first stone Posted: by tatyana in Labels: jersey shore, TV lyfe 1 [IMG] And by turning me on I mean, turning my vomit switch up to full barf. There were two episodes this week? MTV hates sunshine and my friends, clearly. If Jersey Shore was a dissertation, I would say that its thesis is over-argued. It probably took less than 2 episodes for us to get it. Mike is an asshole. Snooki is looking for love in all the wrong places (eagerly awaiting her new dating show "Snookin' for Love"). Sammi is fucking nuts. Ronnie is a giant orange hulk who likes to knock people out cold. For the first time, I found myself actually getting bored with the drama! In fact, I'm guessing that the only reason they took the cast to Atlantic City was so the same arguments could play out in a completely different location, making it seem ever-fresh because we are mindless TV drones and not totally capable human beings that spend our time wisely, such as using it to blog about Jersey Shore. In any case, here we go. I've put together a photo montage about how Mike gets a girl home. [IMG] [IMG] [IMG] Nope, nothing rapey about this! I don't wanna talk about what happened with this girl in the hot tub. Hey guess what else I don't wanna talk about... [IMG] [IMG] [IMG] WHAT?! OK, in all fairness, Sammi had the bad luck of being born a woman in like the most misogynist subculture of contemporary times. With roommates like Mike and Pauly D, I could see how she's strapped on her disaster glasses and is just waiting for Ronnie to trip into the hot tub and land face first on some fake boobies that have accidentally been boiled off their owner. BUT ALSO COME ON! You know what I say to this? Never fall in love at the Jersey Shore. Where have I heard that before? Meanwhile, Mike's all, "Vinny, you've got no game!" and Vinny's all, "That's not what your sister thinks!" [IMG] You can put ZING in the memo portion of the million dollar check you're writing me for all the LOL's. So Pauly D meets a great Israeli woman, who he is undoubtedly gonna marry. They talk endlessly about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and they agree to disagree because it's a very complicated situation. Pauly D thinks that Israel should abide by the borders established by the 1947 UN Resolution, and stop building settlements and occupying Palestinian land. Danielle, however, is an Israeli nationalist, and has thus been indoctrinated to believe otherwise. They agree that a trip to the Holy Land is absolutely essential. There they walk through the streets of Bethlehem, shed impassioned tears at the Wailing Wall, and finally understand each other spiritually. Inspired by their unlikely love, world leaders are moved to empathy and dialogue, thus ending the conflict in the Middle East. Thanks Jersey Shore! --former president, Jimmy Carter. [IMG] But, unfortunately for you Palestine, Danielle the Israeli girl has apparently OD'd on her crazy pills, and sacrifices the potential for ending an epic world conflict by full-on stalking Pauly D, including but not limited to purchasing him a shirt that says, "I [Italian heart, glitter Star of David] Jewish Girls." Listen, I love boardwalk crafts and novelty tees as much as probably the average person who does not love those things-- especially ones that challenge ethnic stereotypes! But, whoa okay, ring the crazy alarm! Danielle, proudly saying that you put the glitter Star of David on the shirt yourself, does not make me wanna cast my vote in the uncrazy pile. [IMG] Worlds=Colliding It's also great to hear Pauly D's reasoning for not going on a theoretical trip to Israel with his new theoretical wife. "They'll hate me there! I'm Catholic!" So after getting stalked all night on the boardwalk, Pauly D decides to break things off with her. But then WHAMMO she dances up on him at Club Karma (this name has got to be a joke, right?) and then he says that maybe they should break up? Cause they were boyfriend and girlfriend? But then she's like, you don't wanna break up with me and he's all like RELUCTANT HEAD SHAKE NO?! What? He is clearly terrified of this girl. She's not even gonna need to set a baby trap! Well done, Danielle! [IMG] No mixed signals here. Also Pauly D has a business card? For all the important Business he is giving to people? Go ahead and put my Honorary Doctorate of Zingology in the mail. Then everyone goes to Atlantic City, and is so stoked that they all... take a nap? Except Snooki because she is President of Awesome Town. [IMG] You know how you were like, oh man, the gang can't be nearly as bad in Atlantic Shitty as they are in Seaside? I'll bet they'll put on their finest Ed Hardy special edition evening gowns and tuxedos and salute the privilege of being cast in one of the best shows in human history. Then they'll probably do a little gambling, but like, classy-style like James Bond, you know? Then they'll have cocktails and call it an early night. JK Mike calls Snooki fat and then JWOWW barfs all over the club. She wants Mike to take her home, because that seems likely, but he is too busy making out with a girl that Vinny has already made out. And then they say things to each other like "Sloppy seconds" and "How do I tase bro" which makes me wanna eat my own eyes and then vomit them into my ears. (Oof sorry about that). Then JWOWW smacks Mike cause finally. ATLANTIC CITY ACCOMPLISHED! Back at the shore house, Mike has had enough of Vinny's attitude. Now, I watch Jersey Shore wrap-up shows because I am very sad like to stay informed, and in these Jersey Shore wrap-up shows, we learn that Vinny is actually a secret creep. So I began to wonder... Is Vinny's pure hatred of Mike due to a genuine fear that fate may turn its wheel so that his life will eventually become Mike's? Is Vinny taking a closer look at himself in the great mirror of life and reevaluating his decisions based on Mike's complete and utter patheticness. Probs not. Anyway, Mike decides to play a practical joke on Vinny and put a bowl of smelly Guido leftovers under his bed? And then also pickles under Snooki's bed? Um? Ya burnt? In my day if you wanted to make someone's room smell bad, you just took a dump on their bed. [IMG] Let's see, something else happened in these episodes? What...? What was it?... What am I forgetting? Oh, Ronnie knocks the shit outta some dude and gets arrested. The End--My Life. 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