Mirrored: 22nd of September 2011, 18:39 Original: www.cracked.com Views: 146 Settings: Loading the mirror...
Link: shortcut icon apple-touch-icon Link: canonical * You Might Be A Zombie! * Cracked Store * iPad App * Back to School * Write For Us * Login * or Register * Face Book Connect Cracked.com America's Only Humor Site Since 1958 Get the Cracked iPhone reader Agents of Cracked Season 3 Videos * Articles Browse By All Articles Movies & TV Music Celebrities Tech Sex Sports News Science History Weird World Video Games * Videos * Columnists Browse By Daniel O' Brien Soren Bowie Robert Brockway Chris Bucholz Gladstone Michael Swaim Seanbaby Cody Christina H. David Wong Jack O'Brien John Cheese Luke McKinney Brendan McGinley * Forums * Topics * Photoplasty * More * Cheat Sheets * LinkSTORM * Asstrology * Craptions Classics * Popular * Greatest Hits * Sketch Competition * Random Article * Get Our RSS Feed _____________________ [ Search ] [IMG] The 6 Most Insane True Tales of Survival By: Jacopo della Quercia [IMG] Worst Police Sketch Artist Ever By: Natural Disastronauts [IMG] 5 Ways You Know It's Time to Get Married By: John Cheese 1. Home 2. Columnists 3. 5 Ways You Know It's Time to Get Married Cracked Columnists 5 Ways You Know It's Time to Get Married By: John Cheese September 22, 2011 Add to Favorites I've talked about my often-disastrous relationships in a number of my columns, and every time I do, I get dozens of messages from people asking me to elaborate. Not that I'm an expert -- it's more like how you see a guy come screaming out of the woods covered in bees and you ask him where he found the hive, so you can avoid it. So, the most common question I get (besides "Will you please stop sending me pictures of your penis?") is "How do I know if this is the one?" which I think is a stealth way of asking me, "How can I avoid the hellish divorce that haunts your memories?" Well, if you want to avoid the bees, I say you should always keep in mind ... #5. You Don't Have to Impress Each Other Photos.com If you try to pet 49 stray cats, and all of them embed their claws in your forearm, you're going to assume that the 50th will, too. Even if it's purring and rubbing all over your ankles, you bury your hands in your pockets and punt that fucker like the winning field goal at the Super Bowl. Since most of us don't find our "true love" on the first shot, we're cursed to endure attempt after attempt at connecting with people who we normally wouldn't allow into the trunk of our car, let alone our personal, emotional space. After a while, we learn that dating equals pain ... and I can't speak for women, but guys tend to emotionally shut down to avoid that pain. They build a phony version of themselves to send on dates on their behalf, learning to fake their way through simple smalltalk in hopes of constructing a panties rug at the foot of their bed. Photos.com Works every time, baby. The problem is that if you wall yourself off from every single person you meet, the chances of skipping right past the one who is actually compatible with you are near 100 percent. Every woman I dated since my divorce several years ago felt the cold, dead disconnection behind my witty banter. Everything was just an act. Women were allowed on the porch, but if they wanted to see the living room, they had to look through the windows. Photos.com What? Don't judge me, man. Try This: There are several ways to do this, but the result has to be the same: it's you getting to a point where you can share the worst parts of yourself and not judge the other person when they do the same. This is why meeting on the Internet works so well for some people -- they actually find it easier to be open and honest with a faceless person. For other people, they try dating somebody they've already become friends with -- they were at the party where you accidentally pooped yourself in high school, there's no need to pretend you're suave. Or, maybe you just date somebody long enough that those barriers all fall down one by one, against your will. Photos.com I'll still never live down the time she saw me without my shirt on. In my particular case, three years ago I met a woman named Shaniqua Childpuncher (who for privacy's sake we'll call "Emily"), but not in a dating situation. We were just two people who made dick jokes with each other online, with no real plans for hooking up or even flirting for that matter. Since we didn't have any of that stuff at stake, we didn't have to worry about censoring ourselves or using the "date voice." We could be open in the way that friends are when sharing crude jokes -- baring disfiguring emotional scars and everything else. No subject is off limits in a conversation like that; the old addictions, horrifying relationships, the vices and embarrassing childhood photos (her pics came complete with boyband posters on her bedroom walls, mine were from the time I was in an actual boy band). It progressed from there. We've lived together for over two years now, and not once have either of us considered that this might not be the right thing. Obviously my exact process doesn't work for everybody -- I don't doubt that there are dudes who meet girls at night clubs and/or costume orgies who, over time, bring down those barriers and actually get honest with the person they're sexing down, instead of vice versa. The point is that you have to get past the stage where the relationship depends entirely on how well you're hiding your flaws from each other. Photos.com "No, there's nothing wrong with my nose, why do you ask?" Of course that involves a certain amount of trust, which means ... #4. You Have Learned How to Trust Photos.com I can't tell you how many friends I've seen fly into jealous fits because their wife had gone out shopping 45 minutes ago, and it normally only takes her 43 minutes. They just know she's out fucking someone else. Even after she returns with a car full of groceries and a timestamped receipt, they can just smell the extra dicks on her. I used to be like that. My ex used to work as a bartender at a shitty pub. Before heading out, she'd put on makeup... which she never did when she was off. I'd look down at her low-cut top, and I was absolutely certain that before the end of the night, she'd be nailing some dude right there on top of the bar. Some nights, I'd make her change outfits. Photos.com "No, you're not going out wearing fruit again. Go change." It used to cause major arguments because my reaction was directly telling her, "I don't trust you." And I didn't. Even when I knew that the difference between $20 and $120 in tips was showing a little extra cleavage and that it was part of the job, in the same way that this job involves me talking a certain amount about my dick. Try This: You're not born with the ability to trust -- as a newborn baby, you screamed your head off the moment Mom left the room, for fear you'd been abandoned. Trust is learned. I never had a reason to trust someone in my younger years, so my default position was to assume the worst. She's working late? Yeah, working some dude's dick! Going out to eat with friends? More like going out to eat with multiple dicks slapping her boobs! The other person's actual track record had nothing to do with it. Photos.com "I have to go. No, I'm not fucking dudes in front of the kids." It wasn't until I met Emily that I really felt secure, and it goes back to that openness that I talked about earlier. When someone bares as much dirty laundry as we both have, you don't really feel that they have any room to hide anything. If she's shared this much of herself with me, she couldn't hide something even if she wanted to. So if she told me that she was going to take a few days to go to an undisclosed location for an unexplained reason, I'd be totally fine with it. She's earned the trust, and this time I'm man enough to give it. And don't storm into the comments telling a story about how this one time your mistrust paid off ("She told me she had to be on the road 10 months out of the year as a door to door cock inspector, but I suspected she was really having an affair and I WAS RIGHT!"). I'm saying that if the mistrust is there, the relationship is fucked either way. Either they're not trustworthy, or you're not secure enough to let your guard down even if they are. [EMBED] #3. You Become Friends (at Some Point) Photos.com When I was younger, I used to think it was impossible to be friends with someone you're dating. The friendship would kill the romance, right? Since friendship is about doing boring shit together, and romance is about fucking on the hood of a Trans-Am while Def Leppard is playing on the radio? But in my later years I've realized that every successful relationship has this point at their core: if you take out the romantic connection, those two people would still hang out like nothing had changed. Well, besides all the dirty, filthy fucking. Photos.com "Just checking you for body lice, buddy." I was never friends in past relationships because I put the "butterflies in my stomach" feeling first, and the possibility of touching boobs second. I don't really remember a third priority on that list. When I hung around women, I'd say what I thought they wanted me to say. If they weren't into my hobbies, I'd never mention them. I modified my warped sense of humor around them to be whatever watered down version I thought they'd find acceptable. At every level, everything about our connection was contrived. Try This: You can't make a relationship work unless you actually enjoy each other's non-sex company. If that sounds like rock-stupid obvious advice, then you don't realize what a massive number of married couples didn't follow it before shopping for rings. Photos.com "I hate you so much it actually gives me an erection." And please, please note that when I talk about enjoying the girl's company, I am not referring to that breathless worship where you think she's a magical goddess, where you feel the gut butterflies every time she walks past and you go aaaawwwww every time she farts. Pop songs have taught you this is what it's all about ("Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"? Fuck you, Sting, your songs are full of bad relationship advice). If you're still in "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" mode, you don't even fucking know this person. You're still treating them the way you would treat a celebrity, projecting onto the real person a fantasy that lives in your head. Anyone who says they're still feeling the butterflies after fifty years of marriage needs to see a cardiologist because there's some serious medical shit that needs fixed right goddamn now. I don't want to make it sound like you have to be friends first and then start boning from there -- this leads to a lot of awful friendships where the girl thinks she has a good male buddy and the guy thinks he's inching her closer to his boner. That friendship is never genuine because they both have very different ideas about what's going on. Photos.com And neither of those ideas end with an orgasm that isn't self-inflicted. But it works for some people and it did work for me, I was friends with Emily first and not only did I regularly unleash every retarded joke about balls that popped into my head, but our entire friendship was based around it. For instance, one of my most passionate creative pursuits in life is playing sports video games and thinking up profane names for the players. She joined me in spending hours in front of the character editor in NBA 2K, creating Point Guard "Hunchfuck Clusterbutt" and Center "Browncock Shitdents," laughing until we couldn't breathe. She made me sit down and watch the entire run of Battlestar Galactica (and I'm a guy who previously went most of a decade without watching TV). We liked hanging out, is what I'm saying. And that thing people get in their heads, that friendship and relationships are opposite things, it's hard to explain but it's a different flavor of friendship, one where sex can break out at any time. Maybe we need a new word for it (and something less clinical sounding than "compatibility"). But no matter what you call it, that connection is the core of the relationship. Not the sex, not romance. And it's not just the ability to tolerate each other in between the fun stuff. Photos.com "What do you not get about this? When we're not fucking, you find another room." * Prev * Page 1 of 2 * Next * Stumble Upon * facebook * reddit * twitter * Fark Recommended For Your Pleasure * [IMG] 6 Things You Didn't Know You Could Get Addicted To 973,962 views * [IMG] The Big 3 Taught Us About Diplomacy, More Practical Things 568,845 views * [IMG] The Two Ways to Get Your Views Heard at G20 60,968 views * [IMG] 5 Romantic Ways To Get Revenge on That Special Someone 900,235 views * [IMG] 5 Ways to Get Rich (Without a Single Discernible Skill) 1,185,253 views _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 326 Comments Recent Votes | Show Profanity 1. [IMG] ChainsawVsGod 09/22/11 08:54 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Why get married? How rare is to find an actually happy couple? Also marriage is just a being together "In the eyes of god" so unless you're an idiot who actually belives in god then there's no point in getting married. Reply Replying to ChainsawVsGod _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 2. [IMG] AdrianQuek 09/22/11 08:54 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Say yes! Reply Replying to AdrianQuek _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 3. [IMG] TeresaNotaname 09/22/11 08:53 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 This is just so ridiculously adorable. I hope she says yes (: Reply Replying to TeresaNotaname _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 4. [IMG] TheLaw 09/22/11 08:53 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 Most dick jokes ever included in a legitimate marriage proposal. I've already called Guinness. Reply Replying to TheLaw _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 5. [IMG] Metal_Meltdown 09/22/11 08:52 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 You actually disguised a marriage proposal as an article. ... ... You're awesome. And I'm going to guess not just a little drunk. Reply Replying to Metal_Meltdown _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 6. [IMG] LisaCopeland 09/22/11 08:52 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Congratulations John. Emily is one very lucky woman. Reply Replying to LisaCopeland _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 7. [IMG] cameo1107 09/22/11 08:52 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Oh my god, that was the sweetest thing ever! Good luck to you! Reply Replying to cameo1107 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 8. [IMG] Stevetheidiot 09/22/11 08:52 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Best proposal ever. Good luck John, I really hope she accepts. Reply Replying to Stevetheidiot _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 9. [IMG] DarlingNikki 09/22/11 08:51 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 I just squealed and melted at the same time. This is so sweet! Good luck, man. You deserve the best. Reply Replying to DarlingNikki _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 10. [IMG] Maze 09/22/11 08:51 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 As a woman who has recently gotten married, I salute you! I never intended to get married, but after five perfect years, I knew that it was the right thing when my boyfriend dared to ask me anyway. I hope she says yes (though I thought you already were married) Reply Replying to Maze _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 11. [IMG] Laurengoesto11 09/22/11 08:50 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Strange how I only know one facet of you... yet I'm so stinkin' happy right now, it's kind of embarrassing. Please give us an update when you can! Reply Replying to Laurengoesto11 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 12. [IMG] Karin219 09/22/11 08:50 AM * +2 * 2 * 0 The last line surprised the crap out of me and made me choke up like a little bitch. You're my hero Cheese. Our marriage was decided (not proposed) in a booth at Pizza Hut when we were 17. We've been married ten and a half years now, and actually like each other way more than we did when we were 17. We didn't quite grasp what marriage meant either, but we figured "what the hell, we can work at it" till we get it right. But in the end, I'm glad we both got our s**t together, I wouldn't want to live without him now, and we still laugh together every day! Reply Replying to Karin219 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 13. [IMG] SiriuslySmart 09/22/11 08:49 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 That was lovely. Just +1 good luck message from me :3 Reply Replying to SiriuslySmart _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 14. [IMG] Magic_Cheese 09/22/11 08:49 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 Good luck, man. As a fan of your work I wish you all the best. Reply Replying to Magic_Cheese _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 15. [IMG] Blamsoor 09/22/11 08:47 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Holy f*****g shitballs. Reply Replying to Blamsoor _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 16. [IMG] fancypantsies 09/22/11 08:47 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Oh man. I squealed. Good luck, John! Reply Replying to fancypantsies _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 17. [IMG] CheshireCheese 09/22/11 08:43 AM * +4 * 4 * 0 If that marriage proposal to Emily at the end was real, then this might be the best article on Cracked yet, just by default. Anyway, loved this article. I think John Cheese is my favorite Cracked writer, from what I've seen so far. Your stuff is funny and informative, about the most important things people need to know, and I'm super thankful for it. And yes, I appreciate the dick jokes too. Reply Replying to CheshireCheese _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 18. [IMG] o__________o 09/22/11 08:43 AM * -3 * 0 * 3 EMILY CLARK, COME HOP UP ON THIS DONG LIKE A POGO STICK OF INFINITE PLEASURE. I know you know how to get ahold of me. Reply Replying to o__________o _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 19. [IMG] MichaelHernandez 09/22/11 08:43 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 another outstanding article and probably your best so far Reply Replying to MichaelHernandez _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 20. [IMG] cutelittleashe 09/22/11 08:43 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Yay! Happy endings!!! Reply Replying to cutelittleashe _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] More Comments Trending Now * 21 Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photosphopped (Part 8) * The 5 Most Depraved Sex Scenes Implied by 'Harry Potter' * 6 Movie Plot Holes You Never Noticed Thanks to Editing Friends' Recent Activity Flashback [IMG] 5 Absurd (But Mind Blowing) Pop Culture Conspiracy Theories By: Jacopo della Quercia 2,887,590 views [IMG] 13 Real Animals Lifted Directly Out of Your Nightmares By: David Dietle 2,559,681 views [IMG] The 6 Most Horrifying Ways Anyone Ever Got Rich By: Danny Harkins 1,716,528 views [IMG] 17 Counterproductive Public Service Announcements By: CRACKED Readers 753,767 views [IMG] How To Accidentally Throw A Furry Orgy Using Craigslist By: Chris Bucholz 698,663 views More By John Cheese [IMG] 5 Ways to Tell You're Getting Too Old for Video Games By: John Cheese David Wong 1,139,876 views [IMG] 5 Bits of Advice That Don't Make Sense Until It's Too Late By: John Cheese 1,203,043 views [IMG] 5 Bizarre Outbursts By Celebrities You Thought Were Sane By: John Cheese 1,061,898 views [IMG] The 5 Most Horrible Things Nobody Tells You About Babies By: John Cheese 1,060,423 views [IMG] 6 Reasons The Guy Who's Fixing Your Computer Hates You By: John Cheese 1,907,862 views Bleacher Report New Marlins Logo: 3 Reasons Logo Change Won't Bring in Fans Top Ten Most Quotable Sports Comedies of the Last Twenty Years NFL Week 2 Power Rankings: Good News/Bad News Edition Fark Peruvian children react poorly to program that provides free school lunches and rat poison [Scary] Politician is sad to hear man she hired for state job was arrested, because a Satanist who beheaded ... That obese woman you just saw waddling down the aisle? She has needs, buddy. She has sexual needs an... Huffington Post 30 Dumbest Universities In America WATCH: 'Jersey Shore' Cast Crashes Fallon's Party PICTURE: Babydaddy Do You Wrong? New Today [IMG] The 6 Most Horrifying Lies The Food Industry is Feeding You By: Pauli Poisuo 331,854 views [IMG] 21 Things We Secretly Suspect about the Opposite Sex By: CRACKED Readers 185,473 views The Invention of the Most Underrated Modern Technology By: Birds of Prey 70,812 views Elsewhere ... * Article [IMG] 7 Mind-Blowing Structures Built in Secret By: R. Jason Benson * Video [IMG] The Most Disastrous First Date Ever By: Alex Anfanger * Columnist [IMG] 5 Steps to Having The Most Badass Funeral Ever By: Robert Brockway * Topic [IMG] Restroom Etiquette: Since There Seems to Be Some Confusion By: paulieslapass * Photoplasty [IMG] 23 Creative Ways To Use Obsolete Technologies By: CRACKED Readers * Infographics [IMG] Why Credit Card Companies Will Own Your Grandkids [CHART] By: David Wong * Advertise * Write for Cracked * Contact Us * Link to Us * Sitemap * Terms & Conditions * Privacy Policy * AdChoices * Popular Topics: Boobs * Zombie Apocalypse * Hipsters * Urban Legends * The Pirate Bay _____________________ [ Sign up! ] _____________________ [ Search ] Copyright (c) 2005-2011. Demand Media, Inc. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "Cracked" logo are trademarks owned by Demand Media, Inc. All rights reserved. Driven By Demand Media Quantcast [IMG]