Mirrored: 22nd of September 2011, 18:46 Original: www.cracked.com Views: 156 Settings: Loading the mirror...
Link: shortcut icon apple-touch-icon Link: canonical * You Might Be A Zombie! * Cracked Store * iPad App * Back to School * Write For Us * Login * or Register * Face Book Connect Cracked.com America's Only Humor Site Since 1958 Get the Cracked iPhone reader Agents of Cracked Season 3 Videos * Articles Browse By All Articles Movies & TV Music Celebrities Tech Sex Sports News Science History Weird World Video Games * Videos * Columnists Browse By Daniel O' Brien Soren Bowie Robert Brockway Chris Bucholz Gladstone Michael Swaim Seanbaby Cody Christina H. David Wong Jack O'Brien John Cheese Luke McKinney Brendan McGinley * Forums * Topics * Photoplasty * More * Cheat Sheets * LinkSTORM * Asstrology * Craptions Classics * Popular * Greatest Hits * Sketch Competition * Random Article * Get Our RSS Feed _____________________ [ Search ] [IMG] The 6 Most Insane True Tales of Survival By: Jacopo della Quercia [IMG] Worst Police Sketch Artist Ever By: Natural Disastronauts [IMG] 5 Ways You Know It's Time to Get Married By: John Cheese 1. Home 2. Science 3. The 6 Most Horrifying Lies The Food Industry is Feeding You The 6 Most Horrifying Lies The Food Industry is Feeding You By: Pauli Poisuo September 21, 2011 Add to Favorites If there's one thing in the world the food industry is dead set against, it's allowing you to actually maintain some level of control over what you eat. See, they have this whole warehouse full of whatever they bought last week when they were drunk that they need to get rid of -- and they will do so by feeding it all to you. And it doesn't matter how many pesky "lists of ingredients" and consumer protections stand between you and them. #6. The Secret Ingredient: Wood You know what's awesome? Newspaper. Or, to be precise, the lack thereof. The Internet and other electric media have all but eaten up classic print media, with the circulations of almost all papers on the wane. Say, do you ever wonder what they do with all that surplus wood pulp? "But Cracked," you inquire, "what does this have to do with food ingredients?" Getty For the purposes of this article, you're kind of an idiot. And we look at you squarely in the eye, then slowly bring our gaze upon the half-eaten bagel in your hand. Oh, shit ... The Horror: What do they do with all the cellulose wood pulp? They hide it behind a bullshit name and make you eat it, that's what. Getty The best part of waking up, is wood pulp in your face! And everybody's doing it. Aunt Jemima's pancake syrup? Cellulose. Pillsbury Pastry Puffs? Cellulose. Kraft Bagel-Fuls? Fast-food cheese? Sara Lee's breakfast bowls? Cellulose, cellulose, goddamn cellulose. Schuym1 Et tu, Hot Pockets? It turns out that cellulose can provide texture to processed foods, so food companies have taken to happily using it as a replacement for such unnecessary and inconveniently expensive ingredients as flour and oil. As the 30 percent cheaper cellulose is edible and non-poisonous, the FDA has no interest for restricting its use -- or, for that matter, the maximum amount of it that food companies can use in a product. It is pretty much everywhere, and even organic foods are no salvation -- after all, cellulose used to be wood and can therefore be called organic, at least to an extent. But the worst thing about cellulose is not that it's everywhere. The worst thing is that it is not food at all. Cellulose is, unlike the actual, normal food items you think you're paying for, completely indigestible by human beings, and it has no nutritional value to speak of. If a product contains enough of it, you can literally get more nutrients from licking the sweet, sweet fingerprints off its wrapper. Getty That loaf and the chopping block have an equal wood content. #5. Zombie Orange Juice Quick, name the most healthy drink your nearest store has to offer. You said orange juice, didn't you? It's what everybody makes you drink when you get sick. Hell, that shit must be like medicine or something. And the labels are always about health benefits -- the cartons scream "100 percent natural!", "Not from concentrate!" and "No added sugar!" Getty "Less than four thumbs per gallon!" And why not believe them? When it comes to making the stuff, orange juice isn't sausage. You take oranges, you squeeze oranges, you put the result in a carton, with or without pulp. End of story, beginning of deliciousness. But what if we told you that "freshly squeezed" juice of yours can very well be a year old, and has been subjected to stuff that would make the Re-Animator puke? Packaging Gateway Tropicana's bottling room. Not pictured: Anything orange. The Horror: Ever wonder why every carton of natural, healthy, 100 percent, not-from-concentrate orange juice manages to taste exactly the same, yet ever so slightly different depending on the brand, despite containing no additives or preservatives whatsoever? The process indeed starts with the oranges being squeezed, but that's the first and last normal step in the process. The juice is then immediately sealed in giant holding tanks and all the oxygen is removed. That allows the liquid to keep without spoiling for up to a year. That's why they can distribute it year-round, even when oranges aren't in season. Amazon Fresh Thanks to science, we can enjoy screwdrivers from Christmas to the 4th of July. There is just one downside to the process (from the manufacturers' point of view, that is) -- it removes all the taste from the liquid. So, now they're stuck with vats of extremely vintage watery fruit muck that tastes of paper and little else. What's a poor giant beverage company to do? Why, they re-flavor that shit with a carefully constructed mix of chemicals called a flavor pack, which are manufactured by the same fragrance companies that formulate CK One and other perfumes. Then they bottle the orange scented paper water and sell it to you. And, thanks to a loophole in regulations, they often don't even bother mentioning the flavor pack chemicals in the list of ingredients. Hear that low moan from the kitchen? That's the Minute Maid you bought yesterday. It knows you know. Getty "Braaaaaaaains!" #4. Ammonia-Infused Hamburger Any restaurant that serves hamburger goes out of its way to reassure you how pure and natural it is. Restaurant chains like McDonald's ("All our burgers are made from 100 percent beef, supplied by farms accredited by nationally recognized farm assurance schemes") and Taco Bell ("Like all U.S. beef, our 100 percent premium beef is USDA inspected, then passes our 20 quality checkpoints") happily vouch for the authenticity of their animal bits. Their testaments to the healthiness and fullness of their meat read out like they were talking about freaking filet mignon. McDonalds Above: Gourmet as balls. And aside from the rare E.coli outbreak, the meat is clean. It's how they get it clean that's unsettling. The Horror: Ammonia. You know, the harsh chemical they use in fertilizers and oven cleaners? It kills E.coli really well. So, they invented a process where they pass the hamburger through a pipe where it is doused in ammonia gas. And you probably never heard about it, other than those times that batches of meat stink of ammonia so bad that the buyer returns it. Carol Guzy If your Big Mac ever tastes like pee, this is why. The ammonia process is an invention of a single company called Beef Products Inc., which originally developed it as a way to use the absolute cheapest parts of the animal, instead of that silly "prime cuts" stuff the competitors were offering (and the restaurant chains swear we're still getting). Consequently, Beef Products Inc. has pretty much cornered the burger patty market in the U.S. to the point that 70 percent of all burger patties out there are made by them. Thanks, ammonia! * Prev * Page 1 of 2 * Next * Stumble Upon * facebook * reddit * twitter * Fark Recommended For Your Pleasure * [IMG] The 7 Most Bizarre Fast Food Industry Lawsuits 754,258 views * [IMG] 5 Horrifying Food Additives You've Probably Eaten Today 690,711 views * [IMG] The 6 Most Horrifying Ingredients in Everyday Cosmetics 697,423 views * [IMG] The 7 Most Horrifying Parasites on the Planet 1,497,553 views * [IMG] The 5 Most Ridiculous Lies Ever Published as Non-Fiction 1,265,085 views _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1488 Comments Recent Votes | Show Profanity 1. [IMG] nervmeister 09/22/11 07:58 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 That's it! I'm shopping at my local Mennonite grocery store from now on. Reply Replying to nervmeister _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 2. [IMG] redjimmy 09/22/11 07:49 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 There's no eggplant in that bowl of vegies. Shame, cracked, shame :( Reply Replying to redjimmy _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 3. [IMG] koopaatroopa 09/22/11 07:16 AM * +2 * 2 * 0 "As the 30 percent cheaper cellulose is edible and non-poisonous" Meh. So it doesn't have nutritional value, but what processed food does anyway? Also the free range one is so true. I cringe when I hear people saying they buy free range. The easiest way to sell a product is to convince people they are making the right choice without having to make an effort. people be lazy... Reply Replying to koopaatroopa _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 4. [IMG] jwoolman 09/22/11 07:14 AM * +2 * 2 * 0 The "fake fiber" that is showing up increasingly in bread and cookies and granola type bars etc. does not necessarily have the same beneficial effects as fiber from real foods (it's new enough that there's still debate about it in scientific circles, but there is definitely concern that it just doesn't behave the same way or have the same protective effect against disease) and it also seems to cause GI problems for quite a few people. If you see a product suddenly sporting a "high fiber content" emblazoned on the box, check the label for such things as polydextrose, inulin or chicory root extract, various forms of cellulose etc. Anything you don't recognize - look it up, it's probably some non-nutritional something. (Reminds me of what some Chinese genius did a few years ago to pump up the apparent protein content on cat and dog food - added some nitrogen-containing melamine so nitrogen assays for protein would read high, killing quite a few pets in the process since their kidneys couldn't process it safely) Some of these might be "natural" but they aren't what humans have traditionally eaten big portions of - so be especially wary if they are listed first or close to first. Chicory root extract is a notorious offender - FiberOne puts it as #1 in many of their products, explaining the extremely painful intestinal gas attacks many experience (and no, despite company hype, it's not because the victim isn't used to fiber...). Companies are also tossing in other parts of "real food" that may or may not be good for us in such quantities just to get that high fiber count on the box. It's getting difficult to even find a decent whole grain bread in the grocery store that hasn't been artificially "fiberized" this way (I'm sensitive to chicory root extract myself and others like it may cause painful trapped gas for days). But cellulose in "diet bread" very definitely goes back quite a while, I remember seeing it on the label for such bread (the idea was new for the time) a few decades ago. I always read labels, saw "cellulose", and said "hmm, they're baking with cardboard now" and lost interest... Reply Replying to jwoolman _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 5. [IMG] efilsnotlad 09/22/11 06:29 AM * +2 * 3 * 1 i hear human is quite delectable this time of the year Reply Replying to efilsnotlad _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 6. [IMG] vicious_deth 09/22/11 06:22 AM * +2 * 2 * 0 Here's anther on for you Cracked, 100% true, look into it. Almost all pigs in the USA are genetically infused with Human DNA to make them taste better Reply Replying to vicious_deth _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] OpheliaBalsaq 09/22/11 07:44 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 Ah yes human, the other white meat. 7. [IMG] Libertariandude 09/22/11 06:15 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 Damn... I'm so glad I live in a country with year-round natural oranges. Reply Replying to Libertariandude _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 8. [IMG] TheySaidRepent 09/22/11 06:03 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 #6: Meh? I mean, you know what cellulose is? It's fiber. That's literally what most fiber is; that's why it's only found in plant food. #4: What do you expect? E. coli is bad, mmkay? Reply Replying to TheySaidRepent _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] jimmiedean 09/22/11 07:12 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 #4 - food safety experts and consumer advocates support the process and company. Makes food safer, more lean, and affordable. 9. [IMG] slrman 09/22/11 06:02 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 No problem for me. I don't eat any of that. My orange juice is squeezed at home from oranges I buy myself. Most of the rest of that stuff isn't even available where I live. I rarely eat anything canned or even frozen when I buy it. I don't even eat out more than once every week or two. This is really just a scare tactic to arouse the uninformed and garner web site hits. Reply Replying to slrman _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] illuvatar 09/22/11 07:02 AM * +2 * 2 * 0 oranges full of pesticides and dipped in chemicals to get the right color you mean 10. [IMG] rottenchops 09/22/11 05:58 AM * +5 * 5 * 0 See, this is why I don't eat anymore, I just smoke. Reply Replying to rottenchops _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 11. [IMG] fuckingpedant 09/22/11 05:44 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Why vegetarians refuse to eat wood? Isn't it vegetation too? Reply Replying to fuckingpedant _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 12. [IMG] soccerroo 09/22/11 05:38 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Everytime I read 'The Horror', I heard Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory saying it :P But this stuff is really gross...I hope things are slightly better in Australia...but somehow I doubt it. Reply Replying to soccerroo _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 13. [IMG] fuckingpedant 09/22/11 05:27 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Anybody objecting cellulose flavored cake can send their cakes to me. No fee charged. Reply Replying to fuckingpedant _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 14. [IMG] anzobanzo 09/22/11 05:18 AM * +2 * 2 * 0 I don't even live in the States, but suddenly, I feel too afraid to eat anything. Reply Replying to anzobanzo _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 15. [IMG] KingofMadCows 09/22/11 05:02 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 You'd think that the tobacco companies would have been able to take advantage of all these loop holes and sneaked some nicotine into our food by now. Reply Replying to KingofMadCows _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 16. [IMG] tamy 09/22/11 04:57 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 I was fully expecting chocolate flavour to come up here - most commercial products today doesn't contain a single ounce of cacao bean paste. Reply Replying to tamy _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 17. [IMG] AsianInvasion14 09/22/11 04:35 AM * +4 * 4 * 0 I had a blueberry muffin for breakfast, read this article and felt a bit sick... then I remembered that I don't live in America :) Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies Replying to AsianInvasion14 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] RonBrison 09/22/11 04:41 AM * +3 * 3 * 0 It is probably worse then. 2. [IMG] minitune 09/22/11 04:59 AM * +2 * 2 * 0 I easily bypass #6 and #3 by baking my own blueberry muffins, pancakes, and blueberry walnut bread (mmmmm, blueberry walnut bread...). I'm so domestic. 3. [IMG] Kill74 09/22/11 05:23 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 and where was your blueberry muffin produced? Blueberries come from the US... 4. [IMG] koopaatroopa 09/22/11 07:19 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 You can grow your own berries. As far as I know they grow like weeds. at least raspberries do. 18. [IMG] eezywriter 09/22/11 04:31 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 Great article. Now go after MSG! Reply Replying to eezywriter _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] fuckingpedant 09/22/11 05:33 AM * +4 * 4 * 0 They use fake MSG too? Demn .... 19. [IMG] CarrieVS 09/22/11 04:19 AM * +7 * 8 * 1 In any country other than the US, 'free range' is much more regulated. For instance, in the UK, rather than there being no restriction at all on free range hens, you can't call eggs free range unless the hens have a minumum outside space of about 4m2 per hen, with continuous access during the day, and minimum requirements for nests, perching space and dust-bathing facilities. Reply Replying to CarrieVS _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 20. [IMG] CarrieVS 09/22/11 04:08 AM * +2 * 2 * 0 Actually I can see an application for #6. Diet products that fill you up but don't have any nutritional value. Reply Replying to CarrieVS _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] tamy 09/22/11 05:03 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 There already is one - it's called "konjac" and it gives horrible digestive problems because normal acid production still occurs in the stomach but it's obviously not eating into anything else. Horrible when you think about it. 2. [IMG] Gamrin 09/22/11 06:07 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 Actually, companies have already been doing that for years. Take a look at practically any loaf of "diet" white bread and you'll notice it has cellulose in it. The cellulose cuts the calories of a slice of bread by about half and adds a small amount of fiber. So, there's actually a small benefit to adding cellulose to *certain* things, but it's still not food. More Comments Trending Now * 21 Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photosphopped (Part 8) * The 5 Most Depraved Sex Scenes Implied by 'Harry Potter' * 6 Movie Plot Holes You Never Noticed Thanks to Editing Friends' Recent Activity Flashback [IMG] 5 Absurd (But Mind Blowing) Pop Culture Conspiracy Theories By: Jacopo della Quercia 2,890,200 views [IMG] 13 Real Animals Lifted Directly Out of Your Nightmares By: David Dietle 2,562,189 views [IMG] The 6 Most Horrifying Ways Anyone Ever Got Rich By: Danny Harkins 1,718,057 views [IMG] 17 Counterproductive Public Service Announcements By: CRACKED Readers 754,640 views [IMG] How To Accidentally Throw A Furry Orgy Using Craigslist By: Chris Bucholz 699,052 views Cracked Shows * [IMG] * [IMG] * [IMG] * [IMG] * [IMG] * [IMG] Fark After a hooker services you and takes more money than the $60.00 you promised her, just let it go. I... Peruvian children react poorly to program that provides free school lunches and rat poison [Scary] Politician is sad to hear man she hired for state job was arrested, because a Satanist who beheaded ... AskMen MOVIE REVIEWS - Moneyball FASHION TIPS - Blogging To Make Money DOC LOVE - A Married Woman Huffington Post WATCH: Andy Richter Doesn't Know What Sports Is 10 Of R Fav Txts Frm Prnts 30 Dumbest Universities In America Most Popular [IMG] 21 Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photosphopped (Part 8) By: Joe Russo 2,103,908 views [IMG] The 5 Most Depraved Sex Scenes Implied by 'Harry Potter' By: Jacopo della Quercia 1,866,501 views [IMG] 6 Movie Plot Holes You Never Noticed Thanks to Editing By: David Christopher Bell 1,662,633 views [IMG] 5 Physical Details That Reveal Highly Personal Information By: Kathy Benjamin, Eric Yosomono 1,441,957 views [IMG] 5 Things You Do Every Day That Are Actually Addictions By: Mike Haring 1,396,737 views See All The Invention of the Most Underrated Modern Technology By: Birds of Prey 71,965 views Elsewhere ... * Article [IMG] 7 Mind-Blowing Structures Built in Secret By: R. Jason Benson * Video [IMG] The Most Disastrous First Date Ever By: Alex Anfanger * Columnist [IMG] 5 Steps to Having The Most Badass Funeral Ever By: Robert Brockway * Topic [IMG] Restroom Etiquette: Since There Seems to Be Some Confusion By: paulieslapass * Photoplasty [IMG] 23 Creative Ways To Use Obsolete Technologies By: CRACKED Readers * Infographics [IMG] Why Credit Card Companies Will Own Your Grandkids [CHART] By: David Wong * Advertise * Write for Cracked * Contact Us * Link to Us * Sitemap * Terms & Conditions * Privacy Policy * AdChoices * Popular Topics: Boobs * Zombie Apocalypse * Hipsters * Urban Legends * The Pirate Bay _____________________ [ Sign up! ] _____________________ [ Search ] Copyright (c) 2005-2011. Demand Media, Inc. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "Cracked" logo are trademarks owned by Demand Media, Inc. All rights reserved. Driven By Demand Media Quantcast [IMG]