Mirrored: 2nd of February 2012, 09:50 Original: www.cracked.com Views: 48 Settings: Loading the mirror...
Link: next Link: shortcut icon apple-touch-icon Link: canonical * You Might Be A Zombie! * Cracked Store * iPad App * Horror On Cracked * Write For Us * Login * or Register * Face Book Connect Cracked.com Get the Cracked iPhone reader Agents of Cracked Season 3 Videos * Articles Browse By All Articles Movies & TV Music Celebrities Tech Sex Sports News Science History Weird World Video Games * Videos * Columnists Browse By Daniel O' Brien Soren Bowie Robert Brockway Chris Bucholz Gladstone Michael Swaim Seanbaby Cody Christina H. David Wong Jack O'Brien John Cheese Luke McKinney Brendan McGinley Adam Tod Brown * Forums * Topics * Photoplasty * More * Cheat Sheets * LinkSTORM * Asstrology * Craptions Classics * Popular * Greatest Hits * Sketch Competition * Random Article * Get Our RSS Feed _____________________ [ Search ] [IMG] 5 Lost Photos That Could Have Changed History By: Evan V. Symon [IMG] 27 Things You Never Noticed in Famous Video Games By: CRACKED Readers [IMG] 4 Ways to Enjoy Nature According to Insane Old Magazines By: Robert Brockway 1. Home 2. Weird World 3. 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal By: Robert Evans February 02, 2009 Add to Favorites Drugs, artillery emplacements, napalm, prostitution - sometimes it seems like the best things in life are illegal. For some reason, the fascists who control this country don't believe in your God given right to smoke meth and man a 155-millimeter Howitzer. Luckily for us, there are a lot of awesome things out there that Uncle Sam amazingly hasn't taken away from us yet. Read this article, and then go and pick up one of everything while you still can! #7. Flamethrowers Holy Shit, Really? Yes. There are currently no federal laws governing or restricting the ownership of flame-throwing devices. Some states have laws restricting possession of flamethrowers, with violations only considered to be misdemeanors, but 40 states have absolutely no laws whatsoever concerning flamethrowers. Only in America would a device capable of launching rivers of fire at people be less regulated than marijuana. Careful with that pot, it looks dangerous. Where Can I Get One? You can sometimes find professionally made flamethrowers being sold by private buyers online, some for as little as $300. Also, if you're unsure on how to use your new device, but you want the source of your advice to be batshit insane, you could pick up Ragnar Benson's delightful read, Breath Of The Dragon: Homebuilt Flamethrowers, which we can only hope comes with a cellphone with the numbers 9 and 1 already dialed. What Should I Do With it? Actually using your flamethrower is somewhat more difficult than acquiring it. It seems that lawmen these days have rules about when and where you're allowed to shoot gallons of flaming fuel. We recommend making friends with someone who owns a few acres of land out in the country and then going hog wild. If you accidentally start a wildfire, don't fret: Flamethrowers are just as good at stopping fires as they are at starting them. Just burn everything around the fire to cinders, and it won't have anywhere to spread! Holy Balls, Why is it Legal? Cracked cannot overstate the importance of destroying the horrifying bee menace. As a potent combination of "deadly" and "too small to shoot," the Africanized Honey Bee is quite possibly mankind's most dangerous enemy. Enter the flamethrower: your first, last, and only line of defense against the black and yellow hordes. In 1968, Brazilian firefighters armed with flamethrowers defended a group of children from the onslaught of buzzing death. This is apparently not an uncommon happening in nations fighting off the advancing bee legions. #6. Salvia Divinorum Holy Shit, Really? Salvia divinorum is a member of the Lamiaceae family, which makes it a cousin of the mint plant. When properly prepared, salvia can be smoked in order to bring on incredibly intense, at times paralyzing, hallucinations. Most salvia trips are short in duration, but very powerful and jarring. All side effects of salvia are gone within an hour, and it doesn't show up on standard drug tests. Depending on the amount of smoke inhaled, users of salvia may experience hallucinations on par in intensity with those caused by drugs like LSD or DMT. Since most users lose consciousness and drift off into a world of fractal shapes and green women as soon as they hit the pipe, it has not gained much popularity as a 'party' drug. It kind of makes the world look like this for about six minutes. Where Can I Get One? Salvia is still legal in most US states. You can pick it up at most well-stocked 'head' shops, but the cheapest and highest quality salvia is usually found online. Make sure to check your local laws to see if you can legally purchase and possess it in your state. If not, at least you still have your flamethrower. What Should I do With it? Here at Cracked, the only "high" we're interested in is the natural high we get from bringing comedy to the world (and sometimes crystal meth), so we have no advice here. However there are a number of educational videos that recommend gardening, writing letters to congressmen, and driving while on salvia. Also, we do not recommend teaching while on salvia. Holy Balls, Why is it Legal? Salvia is actually pretty harmless, as intoxicants go. There have been a few accusations of its involvement in causing a suicidal mindset, but evidence is spurious at best. In fact a number of scientists believe that salvia may act as an anti-depressant, and its effective use in ending cocaine addiction has been noticed as well. Dr. Bryan Roth believes the drug has the potential to help those suffering from schizophrenia and Alzheimer's and has urged the government not to ban salvia. With the potential to cure depression, Alzheimer's, schizophrenia and cocaine addictions, it's a wonder salvia isn't a mandatory side dish in high school cafeterias across America. We're going to go ahead and say that last one is a bad idea. #5. Tannerite (An Explosive Compound) Holy Shit, Really? Tannerite is sold legally as a binary compound, meaning you mix two harmless powders and get something that goes boom. Just apply the mixture to the object you wish to blow up and then hit it with extreme force or heat. Where Can I Get Some? You can buy tannerite straight from the distributor. Premade shaped charges can be bought, or you can just get huge containers of the powders. We recommend only purchasing small amounts, as the temptation to blow it all up at once rises exponentially the more you have. This man purchased 100 pounds of the stuff and was unable to resist the temptation. The blast was heard for miles, and sent scraps of shrapnel flying almost a quarter of a mile. What Should I do With it? Find an old car at a junkyard or ex-girlfriend's house. Drive it out to the same remote place where you use your flamethrower. Now, coat the car with tannerite, stand very far back and shoot it with a rifle. The results should look something like this: Note to Women: this is pretty much what having sex with a Cracked writer is like, but for hours. Congratulations! You are now having the most fun a citizen of the United States is legally allowed to have. Now lock the guns and explosives up and smoke some salvia to celebrate. Holy Balls, Why is This Legal? Like flamethrowers, tannerite actually has quite a few legal uses, including avalanche control. Despite being both legally available and explosive, no deaths have ever been linked to the compound. Due to its binary nature, tannerite is perfectly safe to store and transport. Statistically, a suburban swimming pool is much more likely to end human lives. #4. Improvised Weaponry Holy Shit, Really? Homemade firearms. They are also known as garage guns, Chechnyan Firecrackers and scrap weapons. Most garage guns are made out of easily acquired pieces of trash and industrial debris. They can be as simple as a lead tube with a rubber-band-powered firing pin, or a fully automatic pistol made out of aluminum cans and assorted sprockets. Garage guns vary in quality from relatively good... ... to plastic deathtraps. Where Can I Get One? You can make one. Improvised firearms are legal under federal law, as long as the weapon does not violate any existing gun laws. You can even make silencers and sawed-off homemade shotguns if you get the proper tax stamps. There are a variety of guides for building home-made guns available for free online. Chechnyan rebels are the most prolific creators (and users) of these guides. What Should I Do With Them? The same things you would do with any other gun: load it with tracer rounds and blow up cars covered in tannerite. Of course, since you'll be shooting a DIY contraption made of scrap metal and prayers, both accuracy and safety will be far below acceptable standards. We recommend getting a gullible friend (perhaps the same person whose land you're using) to fire the first few shots. If it explodes, you might need to go back to the drawing board. We made this! Holy Balls, Why is this Legal? First of all, because a gun with an unrifled barrel is only accurate to a few inches. Since most professionally manufactured firearms are legal in the USA, banning homemade ones doesn't make much sense. Neither China, the gun-control capital of the world, nor Russia have been able to stop their dissident populations from building their own firearms. Since you can literally build a gun out of the contents of a trash bin, any laws made to stop self-made firearms would be almost unenforceable. * Prev * Page 1 of 2 * Next * Stumble Upon * facebook * reddit * twitter * Fark Recommended For Your Pleasure * [IMG] 20 Everyday Items If They Were Designed for Batman 649,684 views * [IMG] 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal 4,992,836 views * [IMG] 6 Things You Won't Believe Are More Legal Than Marijuana 3,419,275 views * [IMG] 6 Insane Coincidences You Won't Believe Actually Happened 5,950,902 views * [IMG] The 7 Ballsiest Pranks You Won't Believe Actually Worked 2,259,298 views _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 463 Comments Recent Votes | Show Profanity 1. [IMG] Tsuki 01/30/12 01:00 PM * 0 * 0 * 0 I've done salvia twice (legal in CA). It's definitely interesting...the risk of a bad trip doesn't seem to be too high, and unlike LSD, the effects only last minutes. The main downside...to be completely honest, is the taste. It tastes like death. Death, if you added genocide by fire into the mix. Not to mention it's not particularly a recreational drug. Reply Replying to Tsuki _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 2. [IMG] Andrichus 01/24/12 12:09 PM * 0 * 0 * 0 i dont believe you mentioned that many of the experts (whatever field that is) studying the old testament agree that 666 was a mistranslation, and should be 616... wait... arse! well it says in revelations that wormwood will rain from the skies during the end, and the russian for wormwood is chernobyl. in chernobyl nuclear powerstation a meltdown years ago means that the sheep farmed in my country have to pass radiation tests before slaughter because waist from the explosion still rains down on us. the hills are full of nuclear waist, and the sheep have to be purified before testing. and i'm not even anywhere near russia. Reply Replying to Andrichus _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 3. [IMG] Geezer63 01/22/12 03:27 PM * -2 * 0 * 2 "...but it requires no more equipment then an average homeowner..." Tell you what, Robert Evans, before you consider yourself a writer, spend some time learning the difference between "then" and "than." Just so you won't look like an idiot. Reply Replying to Geezer63 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] Burnthejacket 01/30/12 12:14 PM * 0 * 0 * 0 Some people think "then" and "than" can outsmart Robert. Maybe. *sniff* Maybe. 4. [IMG] paperalien 12/23/11 12:13 AM * +4 * 5 * 1 I still liked the minigun that cost 400,000.... to fire for 12 seconds. Reply Replying to paperalien _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 5. [IMG] mo-117 12/17/11 01:13 AM * +5 * 5 * 0 "Just burn everything around the fire to cinders, and it won't have anywhere to spread!" - The Captain Price method of fire control Reply Replying to mo-117 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 6. [IMG] EndWggn 12/11/11 04:03 PM * +10 * 10 * 0 Dude, I can smoke my own saliva? Sweet!......oh wait.......SALVIA. Ok. Reply Replying to EndWggn _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] Ashtherion 01/21/12 06:20 PM * 0 * 0 * 0 *bong noises* 7. [IMG] pocketlint60 12/07/11 06:56 PM * +2 * 2 * 0 Looks like all that "$400,000 to fire this weapon" tomfoolery may have some merit to it. Also, Ragnar "the Red" Benson. I said it first. Reply Replying to pocketlint60 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 8. [IMG] Raven2790 12/05/11 06:55 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 I was hoping someone would know what the "166" was Reply Replying to Raven2790 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] musthaveit 01/06/12 12:16 PM * 0 * 0 * 0 I'm almost certain it is some kind of meat, with mustard zig-zagged across it and bits of scallion in the background (the green bits) 9. [IMG] Rastabilly 11/30/11 02:44 PM * +8 * 8 * 0 Everybody's talking about the guns and flamethrowers... And nobody noticed the f*****g puppy with a shotgun up his ass? Reply Replying to Rastabilly _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 10. [IMG] Tiiights 11/26/11 06:11 PM * +1 * 1 * 0 Flamethrowers, miniguns and bs homemade weapons that make no sense whatsoever. Hmm, this whole thing kind of looks like a TF2 joke c: Reply Replying to Tiiights _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] Burnthejacket 01/30/12 12:16 PM * 0 * 0 * 0 Oh, it's not a joke. It's a call for all TF2 fanatics to get together and live the dream. 11. [IMG] Zomborgon 11/20/11 10:41 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 #4- You don't need another person to pull a trigger for you- just set up your homemade deathtrap against a sturdy tree, then use a pulley (tree branch) and a string latched around the trigger. Safe enough, you just need some string and perhaps a fire extinguisher. Reply Replying to Zomborgon _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 12. [IMG] Dsc01 11/18/11 05:14 PM * -1 * 1 * 2 Salvia sucks giant f*****g goat balls. So bad. Reply Replying to Dsc01 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] SeanYamazaki 12/02/11 11:01 PM * 0 * 1 * 1 Yeah, and state governments are patting themselves on the back for making it illegal. 13. [IMG] Timilicious 11/16/11 09:58 AM * +10 * 10 * 0 I think I just found my Christmas shopping list. f**k ponies and Barbies. My nieces will be quite content with Miniguns and Flamethrowers. And the Ragnar Benson collection will be the perfect stocking stuffer. Reply Replying to Timilicious _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 14. [IMG] giovannisorta 11/06/11 04:35 PM * +7 * 7 * 0 Miniguns & Flamethrowers are legal. Holy s**t all we need now is a platoon supply of pulse rifles & we can go Alien hunting. Reply Replying to giovannisorta _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 15. [IMG] thesixthdegree 10/28/11 09:52 AM * +21 * 21 * 0 "In 1968, Brazilian firefighters armed with flamethrowers defended a group of children from the onslaught of buzzing death" I'm now forced to believe that Brazilians have a much more literal and awesome definition of "firefighting" than we do. Reply Replying to thesixthdegree _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 16. [IMG] EdDeRs1 10/27/11 07:14 AM * +5 * 5 * 0 come on guys! where is FPSRussia's 40mm machine gun! ITS A f*****g LEGAL ARETILERY PICE!!! Reply Replying to EdDeRs1 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 17. [IMG] Jack_Is_Back 10/22/11 11:58 PM * +3 * 4 * 0 i think i want a flamethrower now i know its not illegal. Reply Replying to Jack_Is_Back _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 18. [IMG] Fire=Cleanser 10/21/11 04:00 PM * +9 * 9 * 0 Chucklefucking?I'm gonna start saying that Reply Replying to Fire=Cleanser _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 19. [IMG] sdmitch16 10/11/11 02:22 PM * -1 * 0 * 1 The M134 has a maximum firing rate of 100 rounds per second, not 166. Reply Replying to sdmitch16 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 20. [IMG] Mrs.Magno 10/09/11 07:58 PM * 0 * 2 * 2 But don't smoke marijuana... it's WAAAAAAAAY worse. ??? Reply Replying to Mrs.Magno _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] racharacha 12/06/11 12:34 PM * 0 * 0 * 0 Poor satire, or confused opinion. Either way, it's a very indecisive way to say something. More Comments Trending Now * The 5 Stupidest Habits You Develop Growing Up Poor * The 7 Most Baffling Things About Women's Clothes * 9 Ridiculous Cooking Myths You Probably Believe Friends' Recent Activity Flashback [IMG] 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal By: Robert Evans 4,998,297 views [IMG] 8 Real Photographs That Prove Hell Exists on Earth By: Robert Brockway 2,527,191 views [IMG] 6 Subtle Ways You're Getting Screwed at the Grocery Store By: CRACKED Staff Karl Smallwood 1,172,884 views [IMG] 9 Inventions that Prove Leonardo da Vinci Was a Supervillain By: Jacopo della Quercia 993,258 views [IMG] How NOT To Get Revenge On Your Ex By: Winston Rowntree 559,527 views Cracked Shows * [IMG] * [IMG] * [IMG] * [IMG] * [IMG] * [IMG] Most Popular [IMG] 7 Movies That Put Insane Work Into Details You Didn't Notice By: J.F. Sargent 2,378,535 views [IMG] 5 Ridiculous Sex Myths From History (You Probably Believe) By: C. Coville, Jake Klink 1,374,386 views [IMG] 8 Gadgets That Lie to You Every Day By: Christina H 1,352,902 views [IMG] The 5 Most Mind-Blowing Things That Can Be Found Underwater By: Kier Harris 1,313,103 views [IMG] The 7 Most Elaborate Dick Moves in Online Gaming History By: Luke McKinney 1,284,961 views See All The Existential Terror of the Easiest Job in the World By: Michael Swaim Cody Johnston Katy Stoll 37,952 views Elsewhere ... * Article [IMG] 6 Hit Songs Written By the Last Person You'd Expect By: Adam Tod Brown ... * Video [IMG] How to Ruin The Best Part of Working From Home By: Michael Swaim ... * Columnist [IMG] How Hollywood Decided to Reboot Classic Children's Tales By: Robert Brockway * Topic [IMG] Restroom Etiquette: Since There Seems to Be Some Confusion By: paulieslapass * Photoplasty [IMG] 29 Video Game Characters That Would Be Horrifying in Reality By: CRACKED Readers * Infographics [IMG] Why Credit Card Companies Will Own Your Grandkids [CHART] By: David Wong * Advertise * Write for Cracked * Contact Us * Link to Us * Sitemap * Terms & Conditions * Privacy Policy * AdChoices * Popular Topics: Boobs * Zombies * Hipsters * Urban Legends * Skyrim * Go to our Mobile Version _____________________ [ Sign up! ] _____________________ [ Search ] Cracked, Cracked.com, the "Cracked" logo, and Demand Media are each a trademark or a registered trademark of Demand Media, Inc. in the United States and/or other countries. Copyright (c) 2007-2012. Demand Media, Inc. Driven By Demand Media Quantcast [IMG]