Mirrored: 27th of January 2012, 21:31 Original: www.cracked.com Views: 62 Settings: Loading the mirror...
Link: prev Link: shortcut icon apple-touch-icon Link: canonical * You Might Be A Zombie! * Cracked Store * iPad App * Horror On Cracked * Write For Us * Login * or Register * Face Book Connect Cracked.com Get the Cracked iPhone reader Agents of Cracked Season 3 Videos * Articles Browse By All Articles Movies & TV Music Celebrities Tech Sex Sports News Science History Weird World Video Games * Videos * Columnists Browse By Daniel O' Brien Soren Bowie Robert Brockway Chris Bucholz Gladstone Michael Swaim Seanbaby Cody Christina H. David Wong Jack O'Brien John Cheese Luke McKinney Brendan McGinley Adam Brown * Forums * Topics * Photoplasty * More * Cheat Sheets * LinkSTORM * Asstrology * Craptions Classics * Popular * Greatest Hits * Sketch Competition * Random Article * Get Our RSS Feed _____________________ [ Search ] [IMG] 5 Famous People Who Succeeded Long After They Should've Quit By: Simon Dufresne Dylan Moore [IMG] The 10 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Toys Exported by China By: Seanbaby [IMG] 5 Reasons It's Impossible to Find Funny Books By: Daniel O'Brien 1. Home 2. History 3. The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time By: Daniel O'Brien February 15, 2008 Add to Favorites #1. Theodore Roosevelt Checking Teddy Roosevelt's resume is like reading a How-To guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, the assistant Secretary of the Navy, the governor of New York, and a war hero. Out of all of his jobs, hobbies and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence. In 1898, Roosevelt formed the first U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their historic charge up San Juan Hill, but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the Riders made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hell out of a San Juan Hill. Teddy Roosevelt, a split second before spitting in the invisible face of death, and pimp slapping it with his tiny neck-hand. And don't think that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president, or he might just come back from the dead and murder you, (and how do you kill a Teddy Roosevelt that's already dead!?!). He strolled through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, though, with his black belt in jujitsu and his history as a champion boxer, it wasn't like he really needed it. It wasn't just his war record or the fact that he knew several different ways to kill you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn't even the fact that he kept a bear and a lion at the White House as pets, (though that certainly helps). Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for 100 miles, from sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding anyone's right to complain about anything, ever again. The last thing you saw before a brutal ass-kicking Did we mention he had asthma growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma's raw flesh and ran 100 straight miles off the energy it gave him. Greatest Display of Badassedry: While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest. On the other end of the spectrum, reasons why certain members of the Cracked Editorial Staff have called out of work over the last year include: "A cold." "A stubbed toe." "It's raining." "There's a spider near the door." Most Badass Quote: This quote actually comes from a fellow politician at the time of Roosevelt's death: "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight." We have no witty commentary for that. That is just straight up badass. Some men have to work to become badasses. But some are just born into it. You've just read about the first type, now read about the second in our article about The 9 Manliest Names in the World. Or check out the Daily Nooner, and watch a respected journalist say the words: sacred undergarments. * Prev * Page 5 of 5 * Next * Stumble Upon * facebook * reddit * twitter * Fark Recommended For Your Pleasure * [IMG] 12 Famous Pictures Turned Into Badass Album Covers 664,164 views * [IMG] The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time 7,836,137 views * [IMG] The 5 Most Badass (And Possibly Insane) Athletes Of All-Time 1,476,540 views * [IMG] 7 Badass Animals Presidents Have Kept As Pets 950,731 views * [IMG] The 7 Most X-Treme Products of All Time 353,504 views _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 570 Comments Recent Votes | Show Profanity 1. [IMG] godmademedoit 01/26/12 03:10 PM * 0 * 0 * 0 I think Daniel Inouye should get an honourable mention here - he's not an actual president, although he is 3rd in line to succession of presidency - The man assaulted a german machine gun post, got shot in the stomach, kept going and took out two turrets, had his arm blown off while attempting to toss a grenade into the third one, prised the live grenade out of his now-dead hand and threw it into the German position with his remaining arm, then finally got shot in the leg and fell unconscious. Upon waking to the concerned faces of his men, he told them to get back to f*****g work because "noone had called off the war". Badass. Reply Replying to godmademedoit _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 2. [IMG] LansWiseman 01/11/12 08:44 PM * +2 * 2 * 0 Just bought a book about TR's retirement of killing elephants and rhinos in Africa. It was so badass that it grew legs and disappeared into the jungle of my closet. Occasionally, socks and shirts will appear, looking like they got the s**t beat out of them, and offer themselves in service to me instead of staying in the closet the Book. Reply Replying to LansWiseman _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 3. [IMG] Joe1212 01/11/12 07:41 AM * +3 * 4 * 1 LOL The Iroquois Indians called George Washington "Town Destroyer" because he commited genocide burning more than 40 Iroquois villages. But you don't learn about that in your piece-of-shit history books. Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies Replying to Joe1212 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] Jmendii 01/11/12 04:58 PM * +4 * 5 * 1 s**t happens 2. [IMG] Joe1212 01/14/12 05:07 PM * +1 * 1 * 0 Tell that to the Iroquois. 3. [IMG] NadiaTrezler 01/16/12 03:56 PM * -2 * 0 * 2 Survival of the fittest.... 4. [IMG] Avenger48 01/22/12 11:27 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 s**t happens when you're 2,000 years behind the technology of your main opponent. That's just Darwinism. 4. [IMG] 10INTM 01/10/12 10:20 AM * +3 * 3 * 0 I wonder if we'll get any of those obnoxious there-are-too-many-Americans-on-the-list complaints for this article. Reply Replying to 10INTM _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 5. [IMG] dancyber07 01/09/12 10:15 PM * +2 * 2 * 0 Okay... so theodore is like the chuck norris of the past Reply Replying to dancyber07 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] Forkeh 01/13/12 12:06 AM * +5 * 5 * 0 Actually, it's more like Chuck Norris is the Theodore Roosevelt of the future....If Theodore Roosevelt agree to be a tv pretty boy. But to be honest, he'd probably just violence the hell out of anyone who suggested it. 6. [IMG] Zelph 01/09/12 06:42 PM * +4 * 5 * 1 I'd rather have the remains of TR in the Oval Office, than the two-legged vagina we have there now. Reply Replying to Zelph _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 7. [IMG] blue_heron93 01/09/12 06:13 PM * +1 * 1 * 0 "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake, there would have been a fight." I don't know if you can really call that a "fight." It'd probably have been more like swatting a fly for Roosevelt. Reply Replying to blue_heron93 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 8. [IMG] VIREBEL661 01/09/12 08:59 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 FDR's my hero as far as presidents go. I think he shoulda been on there... A great list nonetheless... Reply Replying to VIREBEL661 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] bravo_superman 01/11/12 08:59 AM * 0 * 0 * 0 u cant help but wonder if some of TR's manliness seeped to FDR though. 9. [IMG] bravo_superman 01/03/12 11:09 AM * +2 * 2 * 0 The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson's body for 19 years because, we assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of "time not dueling," Jackson's least favorite category. line still cracks me up every time i read it Reply Replying to bravo_superman _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 10. [IMG] Akiatu 12/06/11 10:19 PM * +5 * 5 * 0 I think there was a fight. Teddy may not have fought death, but I'm pretty sure his mustache not only put up a fight, but actually beat Death, and took over the position so a better job could be done. The Spanish Flu happened about this time... Mmmm >> Reply Replying to Akiatu _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 11. [IMG] perryz 12/05/11 07:28 PM * +4 * 4 * 0 Teddy Roosevelt is my hero. Reply Replying to perryz _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 12. [IMG] butterfly98901 11/28/11 11:14 PM * +5 * 5 * 0 I'll believe that Roosevelt hated violence if it caused him to kill me from the grave. Con: Shit, I died. Pro: I have given America back Roosevelt, and this time he is immortal. Happy end for 'murrika. Reply Replying to butterfly98901 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 13. [IMG] The_Coon 11/26/11 01:02 AM * -15 * 4 * 19 Sarah Palin would make a better President than Joe Biden(Who btw is actually retarded)...just sayin. Reply Replying to The_Coon _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 14. [IMG] kingcole225 11/25/11 11:00 AM * +14 * 14 * 0 Wow they really took away from the Dickinson story. If I'm correct, Dickinson had been running around with his woman and didn't believe Andrew Jackson had the balls to challenge him to a duel because Dickinson was supposedly THE best shot in the state. But Andrew Jackson said f**k that and challenged him except he didn't shoot his gun until after Dickinson had shot (knowing that he couldn't compete in a fair fight and that Dickinson would shoot as fast as he could, assuming that Jackson would too). Dickinson's bullet hit Jackson in the shoulder and then Jackson took his sweet time lining the gun right up to Dickinson's face and killed him. Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies Replying to kingcole225 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] wingman77 11/26/11 04:22 AM * +1 * 1 * 0 Awesome revision. Thanks for the extra bit of the story, even better than the article. 2. [IMG] EpicHam19 12/19/11 06:19 PM * +5 * 5 * 0 Aaaactually, Dickenson's bullet hit Jackson square in the chest. If fact, it hit less than an inch away from his heart, which is why the bullet was never removed (the operation would've killed him) and also why he would sporadically cough up blood from time to time. After taking the bullet and barely flinching, Ol' Hickory raised his pistol, presumably cracked a smile, and shot Dickenson right in the m***********g throat, killing him on the spot. 3. [IMG] FrozenButterfly 12/28/11 01:01 AM * -1 * 0 * 1 Actually, didn't Dickinson raise the bullet as a sign of surrender and Jackson shot him anyway, effectively murdering him? 15. [IMG] MisterBubbles 11/23/11 02:02 PM * +34 * 34 * 0 Teddy Roosevelt didn't die. He killed the grim reaper with his bare hands and became death itself. Reply Replying to MisterBubbles _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 16. [IMG] alcibiades2010 11/23/11 09:30 AM * +13 * 14 * 1 you know andrew jackson was the guy who was responsible for that whole trail of tears thing right? he was kind of an a*****e who broke the constitution repeatedly. Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies Replying to alcibiades2010 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 1. [IMG] JRDZ1993 11/25/11 11:48 AM * +7 * 7 * 0 Yeah hard to stick up for a genocidal psychopath realy. 2. [IMG] AllenHuang 11/29/11 05:51 PM * +5 * 8 * 3 at the time, the American view on the natives was basically the same as our current view on al-quada he just did wut most people wanted at the time. and besides, u mistake the issue. the question isnt whether or not he's a good person or not, it's whether or not he's a badass 3. [IMG] FrozenButterfly 12/28/11 12:56 AM * +1 * 2 * 1 Thank you! Yes, he was an asshole. And most people did not view the Native Americans in the way we view Al-Quada today (in response to AllenHuang). Though they were view as less important than that of white property owners, they still played a role in the economic and social aspects of society. Andrew Jackson did what he did because of his hatred for Native Americans and his own personal gain (meaning the land in Georgia). 4. [IMG] keigo_ichimaru 01/03/12 12:12 PM * 0 * 0 * 0 *cough cough* lies **cough** but van Buren could have done something about it 17. [IMG] LordNaseby 11/22/11 02:23 AM * +12 * 12 * 0 Scientists have theorized that Teddy Roosevelt's power came from his mustache and that was what gave him his power. Others de-bunk that by saying that on a lesser man Teddy Roosevelt's mustache would be a source of power but TR was just that awesome by himself. Reply Replying to LordNaseby _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 18. [IMG] IamThatIam 11/20/11 11:37 AM * +3 * 3 * 0 I need to tell everyone to call me "Old Hickory". Reply Replying to IamThatIam _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 19. [IMG] C-Rex98 11/19/11 11:54 PM * +8 * 9 * 0 Damn, if Teddy Roosevelt was here today, he would be eating nukes for breakfast. Reply Replying to C-Rex98 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] 20. [IMG] C-Rex98 11/19/11 11:47 PM * +5 * 5 * 0 Not to mention that JFK also had regular fevers of 106 and one of his legs was shorter than the other. He also had to get handfuls of shot injected every day. Reply Replying to C-Rex98 _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ [ Submit Comment ] More Comments Trending Now * The 5 Stupidest Habits You Develop Growing Up Poor * The 7 Most Baffling Things About Women's Clothes * 9 Ridiculous Cooking Myths You Probably Believe Friends' Recent Activity Flashback [IMG] The 6 Most Statistically Full of Shit Professions By: Christina H 3,054,038 views [IMG] 10 Creepy Plants That Shouldn't Exist By: David Dietle 2,874,009 views [IMG] 8 Customers Everyone Hates By: Guy Mayer 1,733,185 views [IMG] The 12 Most Awesomely Ridiculous eBay Auctions By: Robin Barr 624,902 views [IMG] If You Had a Time Machine (And a Sick Sense of Humor) By: CRACKED Readers 492,140 views Cracked Shows * [IMG] * [IMG] * [IMG] * [IMG] * [IMG] * [IMG] Most Popular [IMG] 7 Movies That Put Insane Work Into Details You Didn't Notice By: J.F. Sargent 2,378,535 views [IMG] 5 Ridiculous Sex Myths From History (You Probably Believe) By: C. Coville, Jake Klink 1,374,386 views [IMG] 8 Gadgets That Lie to You Every Day By: Christina H 1,352,902 views [IMG] The 5 Most Mind-Blowing Things That Can Be Found Underwater By: Kier Harris 1,313,103 views [IMG] The 7 Most Elaborate Dick Moves in Online Gaming History By: Luke McKinney 1,284,961 views See All 18 Terrifying Videos of the Most Well Armed Kid on YouTube By: Michael Swaim 199,994 views Elsewhere ... * Article [IMG] 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo' In Under 5 Minutes By: The Editing Room * Video [IMG] How Not to Plan a Prison Escape By: Natural Disastronauts * Columnist [IMG] The 5 Stupidest Habits You Develop Growing Up Poor By: John Cheese * Topic [IMG] Restroom Etiquette: Since There Seems to Be Some Confusion By: paulieslapass * Photoplasty [IMG] If Album Covers Were Honest By: CRACKED Readers * Infographics [IMG] Why Credit Card Companies Will Own Your Grandkids [CHART] By: David Wong * Advertise * Write for Cracked * Contact Us * Link to Us * Sitemap * Terms & Conditions * Privacy Policy * AdChoices * Popular Topics: Boobs * Zombies * Hipsters * Urban Legends * Skyrim * Go to our Mobile Version _____________________ [ Sign up! ] _____________________ [ Search ] Cracked, Cracked.com, the "Cracked" logo, and Demand Media are each a trademark or a registered trademark of Demand Media, Inc. in the United States and/or other countries. Copyright (c) 2007-2012. Demand Media, Inc. Driven By Demand Media Quantcast [IMG]